IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that government should ban dangerous sports while others think people should have freedom to do anysports or activity. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #government #ban #sports #freedom #anysports #activity
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In recent years, the deaths and injuries associated with numerous threatening
sports
are
Verb problem
have
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giving
Wrong verb form
given
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 serious concern to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society. Some
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
,
therefore
, think that all extreme
sports
 should be banned, and yet I would argue that people should have the
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
show examples
 to choose any
sports
Fix the agreement mistake
sport
show examples
. It sounds logical that a ban on all dangerous sporting activities is advisable despite the consequences. In fact, even when individuals are well-prepared and have all the right equipment to participate in these
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
, the dangers are still present.
This
 means that prohibiting all those
pastime
Change the determiner
pastimes
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 can help prevent players from being seriously injured or having fatal consequences which are caused by these hidden dangers.
In addition
, many extreme
sports
such
 as boxing represent violence, which is very likely to encourage aggressive thoughts and behaviors of viewers, especially young children.
However
, banning these kinds of athletics can place a plethora of athletes in
the
Correct article usage
a
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 state of joblessness and
therefore
 lead to several other social issues. Not only can
allow
Wrong verb form
allowing
show examples
 people to freely participate in any
sports
 solve unemployment issues
,
Add the word(s)
, but
show examples
it can
also
 increase social well-being.
Firstly
, several people have an innate talent for
sports
 that are sometimes deadly. Avoiding banning these
sports
 could help create better employment opportunities not only for them
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
 for employees in related industries like advertising.
Second,
the main purpose of playing
sports
, whether dangerous or not, is to have fun, recreation and entertainment.
This
 may effectively help players or even audiences to release stress after hard work, thereby improving their productivity and giving a boost to the economy. In conclusion,
while
 acknowledging the real risks, the right of individuals to take part in
sports
 of their choice should be retained.
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task achievement
Consider using more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. Although your points are clear, specific examples can add more weight to your essay and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, try to avoid repeating phrases and ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly to the next. This can be achieved by using transition words and avoiding redundant phrases.
overall
Be cautious with minor grammatical and punctuation errors. While these do not severely impact comprehension, polishing your grammar and punctuation can make your essay more professional and easier to read.
task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses both views on the topic and provides a clear opinion. This demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and fulfills the task requirements comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay is logical and well-organized. The introduction sets the stage effectively, and the conclusion reinforces your opinion clearly. This makes your essay easy to follow and understand.
coherence cohesion
You provide balanced arguments for both sides of the issue, which showcases your ability to consider different perspectives. This adds depth to your discussion and strengthens your position.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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