IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

More and more people are moving away from an Agricultural background to relocate in order to look for work, what will be consequences of this? What solutions can you offer?

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While
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 moving away from the suburbs and seeking new career opportunities in urban cities has been a trend for decades, it has drawbacks. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss what challenges it poses on individuals and society, and what can be done to alleviate them.
Firstly
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,
although
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 moving to the city might offer jobs with better salaries, one has to consider the hidden expenses of commute and rent in
such
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 largely populated places.
Secondly
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, we should keep in mind the stress of living in a fast-paced environment and all the anxiety it brings along, especially for someone who used to live in a quite natural place.
Lastly
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,
such
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 choices put high pressure on family ties, as people who move away have less and less time to join family events and share in bonding, which risks the stability of extended families and society as a whole. Regarding solutions, there are several to mention, among them: the government should facilitate offering more online remote work positions to people who come from far backgrounds
instead
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 of forcing them to relocate,
for instance
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, offering employers tax subsidies and a quota on hiring
this
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 population.
This
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 way they can advance their careers
while
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 remaining in their homes.
Also
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, schools can encourage youngsters residing in rural areas to seek
further
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 education in the agricultural sector, by offering specialized courses and paid professional internships.
This
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 way they can still bond with their families yet contribute to the economy and get the satisfaction of career advancement, without the stress of moving away. In conclusion, facing a complex problem like immigration can be challenging, I suggest
further
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 investigation into
this
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 demographic population's needs and tailoring career pathways
accordingly
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,
this
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 requires collaboration from the locals, educational institutions, and law enforcers.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the task and addresses both the consequences of urban migration and the solutions effectively. However, try to offer more specific examples or data to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and logical progression of ideas. Some transitions between points could be smoother to enhance readability.
task achievement
You have clearly identified the consequences of relocating from agricultural backgrounds to urban areas and offered practical solutions.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both well-structured, framing the essay neatly. This gives your essay a clear beginning and ending.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported and tied back to the overall argument, demonstrating good control over the content.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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