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Band 5

For many people, the reason they work hard is to earn money. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #reason #work #money
Nowadays, a significant portion of the employees
work
 because of the
money
.
This
 writer agrees that
money
 is the main part
due to
 the increase in
cost
Add an article
the cost
show examples
 of life and health. It must be recognized that
people
 need more
money
 to pay for the cist.
This
 is because the bill for
educating
Replace the word
education
show examples
, housing and
transporting
Replace the word
transport
show examples
 are increasing as a way to catch up with the speed of population growth.
As a result
, occupations have to
work
 better and harder to make more
incomes
Fix the agreement mistake
income
show examples
, which will keep the roof
on
Change preposition
over
show examples
 their heads, keep their children in school and
assure
Verb problem
ensure
show examples
 that there is sufficient food on their table. A report from the
USA
Correct your spelling
US
show examples
 government in 2016
had shown
Wrong verb form
showed
show examples
 that the average fee to live in America had gone up to 45% higher than it used to be in 2000.
Therefore
,
people
work
 harder for
money
 to pay for their living. Another factor worth
consideration
Replace the word
considering
show examples
 is that generating
money
 is
need
Wrong verb form
needed
show examples
 for
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
 system.
This
 is
due to
 the fact modern industry reveals more categories of diseases and
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
 which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 adversely detrimental to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society and require
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 immense amount of
resource
Fix the agreement mistake
resources
show examples
 to be put
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 it to find
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
.
As a consequence
, workers have to do more to earn more pay
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
for their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Hence
,
medical
Replace the word
medicine
show examples
 is the factor
made
Wrong verb form
that makes
show examples
people
 need more
money
. Taking everything into account, the increase in cost of living and the risks from new diseases are the main
factor
Change the noun form
factors
show examples
 for
people
 to
work
 more.
Thus
,
this
 writer
agree
Change the verb form
agrees
show examples
 with that statement.
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task achievement
Work on expanding and elaborating your ideas more comprehensively. While you have identified relevant points, adding more details and examples will strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Aim to avoid simple grammatical errors and improve the flow of your sentences to maintain reader engagement. This will enhance overall coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all sentences within the paragraph stay on topic. This will contribute to a more logical and organized structure.
introduction conclusion
A well-organized introduction and conclusion, clearly presenting the argument and summarizing the main points.
logical structure
The essay presents a logical structure with a clear progression of ideas, which helps in understanding the writer's point of view.
clear comprehensive ideas
Good identification of relevant factors such as the cost of living and health concerns, which are pertinent to the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial stability
  • necessities
  • monetary rewards
  • quality of life
  • luxury items
  • dependents
  • responsibility
  • pursue
  • personal interests
  • cultural pressures
  • wealth accumulation
  • fulfillment
  • visible measure
  • correlate
  • secure future
  • comfortable lifestyle
  • entertainment
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