IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, women are able to join armed forces just as men. Some people say that only men should be members of the army, navy and air Force. Do you agree or disagree

#countries #women #forces #men #people #members #army #navy #air #force
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In a number of countries, females are enabled to participate in army
foces
Correct your spelling
forces
focus
 in the same way as
men
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 some people argue that
men
Use synonyms
 should be solely involved in the army, I firmly believe that
women
Use synonyms
 can
also
Linking Words
 have
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 equal chance. One of the key reasons I disagree with restricting military service to
men
Use synonyms
 is that the modern military is not solely dependent on physical strength.
While
Linking Words
 it is true that some
roles
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as frontline combat, may demand high levels of physical fitness, the military has evolved to include a wide range of positions that rely on intelligence, technical skills, and leadership.
Women
Use synonyms
 have proven their competence in these areas, often excelling in
roles
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as intelligence analysis, engineering, and logistics. To deny
women
Use synonyms
 the opportunity to serve based on outdated stereotypes undermines the valuable contributions they can make to the armed
forces
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, allowing
women
Use synonyms
 to serve in the military promotes equality and inclusivity. In many countries,
women
Use synonyms
 have fought long and hard for the right to participate fully in society, and the military is no exception. Restricting military service to
men
Use synonyms
 reinforces
gender
Use synonyms
 inequality and perpetuates the notion that
women
Use synonyms
 are less capable than
men
Use synonyms
.
Gender
Use synonyms
 should not determine whether someone can serve their country; rather, it should be based on skills, dedication, and willingness to contribute.
In addition
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 have already demonstrated their effectiveness in military
roles
Use synonyms
. Many countries have witnessed the success of female soldiers in both combat and non-combat positions. Their presence has enriched military
forces
Use synonyms
 by bringing diverse perspectives, enhancing problem-solving, and fostering teamwork.
Women
Use synonyms
 have shown resilience, courage, and leadership in high-pressure situations, proving that they are just as capable as their male counterparts. In conclusion, I believe that
women
Use synonyms
 should have the same opportunities as
men
Use synonyms
 to serve in the armed
forces
Use synonyms
. The argument that only
men
Use synonyms
 should be in the military is based on outdated views of
gender
Use synonyms
roles
Use synonyms
 and fails to recognize the valuable contributions
women
Use synonyms
 can make. By embracing
gender
Use synonyms
 equality in the military, we strengthen the armed
forces
Use synonyms
 and promote a fairer, more inclusive society.
Submitted by loponkienpham on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or statistics to support your main points. This can strengthen your argument and provide concrete evidence for your claims.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to vary your sentence structures to maintain the reader's interest. While your ideas are clear, a mix of complex and simple sentences can enhance your writing style.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. This helps in effectively delivering your argument.
coherence cohesion
The main points are logically organized and well-supported. Your arguments are clearly presented and easy to follow.
task achievement
You have effectively addressed the task by presenting a strong argument against gender restrictions in the military.
task achievement
The essay is comprehensive and covers multiple angles of the topic, enhancing the depth of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: