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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

FOR MANY PEOPLE, THE REASON THEY WORK HARD IS TO EARN MONEY. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

#people #reason #work #money
IN AN EVER-PROGRESSIVE SOCIETY, MANY INDIVIDUALS BELIEVE THAT THE DRIVING FACTOR FORCING THEM TO WORK DILIGENTLY IS TO ACCUMULATE MONEY. IN LIGHT OF
THIS
, THE WRITER TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH THE OPINION
DUE TO
WORKERS
' DREAM
JOB
 AND THE SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY ARE THE MAIN MOTIVATED CONTRIBUTORS THAT PROMPT STAFF TO WORK HARD. IT IS VITAL TO UNDERSTAND THAT RESPONSIBLE SPIRIT IS THE MAIN AGENCY PROMOTING DILIGENCE IN
WORKERS
. PARTICULARLY, EVERY
JOB
 PLAYS A SPECIFIC AND IMPORTANT ROLE IN HUMAN SOCIETY.
CONSEQUENTLY
, STAFF WOULD FIND OUT THAT THEY ARE HOLDING A SIGNIFICANT DUTY IN LIFE STANDARD MAINTENANCE AND SOCIETY DEVELOPMENT. THEREBY, THEY WOULD HAVE A SENSE OF MEANING IN THEIR
JOB
 AND FEEL MOTIVATED TO perform HARD.
FOR INSTANCE
, THE MORE DANGEROUS AND COMPLICATED THE ILLNESSES BECOME THE MORE STUDIOUS THE DOCTORS HAVE TO ENDEAVOR IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN PUBLIC HEALTH QUALITY ANOTHER FACTOR WORTH CONSIDERING IS THAT IS THE CASE OF PASSION AND INTEREST THAT DRIVES PEOPLE TO WORK PERSISTENTLY. TO BE SPECIFIC, HUMAN ARE CAPABLE OF PRODUCING AUTONOMY AND PROACTIVE THINKING IN THEIR ACTION WHEN IT COMES TO THEIR FAVOURITE
job
.
AS A RESULT
,
WORKERS
 COULD HAVE A SENSE OF SELF-FUFILMENT WHEN DOING THEIR INTERESTS,
THEREFORE
, IT CAN PROMOTE PRODUCTIVITY AND INDUSTRIOUSNESS FROM THE STAFF.
FOR EXAMPLE
, JAMES HAMILTON, A FAMOUS CAVE EXPLORER, CONDUCTED VARIOUS RISKY EXPLORATIONS JUST BECAUSE IT IS HIS HOBBY.
THUS
, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN CLEARLY DEMONSTRATED THAT THE PASSION AND THE RESPONSIBILITY
WORKERS
 HOLD ARE THE MAIN DRIVING FACTORS.
HENCE
, IT IS UNSUITABLE TO RECKON MONEY IS THE MAIN MOTIVATION.

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Coherence and Cohesion
You have a good foundation for your essay, but there are a few areas that need improvement to achieve a higher band score. Focus on making sure your ideas flow logically from one to the next, ensuring smooth transitions between paragraphs.
Grammar
You need to work on your grammar and punctuation. Avoid writing in all capital letters, and ensure correct capitalization in your sentences. This will make your essay more readable and professional.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples and elaborate on them to support your main points. This will add depth to your arguments and make your essay more convincing.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear disagreement with the statement and provides two strong points to support your view. The arguments are relevant and directly related to the task.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your essay well. Each paragraph has a main idea that contributes to the overall argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial stability
  • necessities
  • monetary rewards
  • quality of life
  • luxury items
  • dependents
  • responsibility
  • pursue
  • personal interests
  • cultural pressures
  • wealth accumulation
  • fulfillment
  • visible measure
  • correlate
  • secure future
  • comfortable lifestyle
  • entertainment
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