IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

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Nowadays, the question of whether there should be a set
retirement
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age
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 or not is considerably discussed among the masses. Some opine that it’s fair to have a specific
retirement
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age
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while
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 others deem that it to be an unfair practice since everybody has their own life circumstances and requirements. I am in firm solidarity with the latter perspective as I
also
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 believe certain individuals should be entitled to pension, regardless of their
age
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, when they are no longer able to contribute to the workforce. To commence with, people have distinctive life circumstances and requirements that could lead them to withdraw from work at different ages.
For instance
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, if a person is suffering from any life-threatening illness, namely cancer at an early
age
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, they can not work anymore. A person could
also
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 have to resign if they are met with a deadly accident. Owing to all these unexpected situations, irrespective of
age
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, citizens should be given the right to receive a pension whenever they are unable to continue employment.
According to
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 me, people involved in physically demanding occupations—namely, construction workers, miners, warehouse loaders and unloaders—should be the ones receiving pensions earlier. Provided that their positions require considerable physical strength, it’s much more likely that they will be unable to pursue
this
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 work after 50.
On the other hand
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, posts like an office admin or a data analyst
,
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apply
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 can be continued even after 65 years because these are not labour-intensive.
Hence
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, employees in
the
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apply
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labour-oriented fields should benefit from the early pension plans. In conclusion,
although
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 it could be equality having the same
retirement
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age
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 for everyone, it does not align with the principle of equity. Despite their
age
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, people should be receiving
retirement
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 benefits because of their diverse living experiences and distinctive levels of labour demanded in their different jobs.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion and addresses the question well. However, you could enhance task achievement by providing more specific examples to illustrate your points. For instance, mentioning statistics or studies related to early retirement in specific occupations would strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more linking words or phrases to guide the reader through your arguments. For example, phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' can help connect your ideas more clearly.
introduction
Your introduction effectively outlines the issue and clearly states your position, which is essential for a strong start.
supporting detail
You make a good distinction between physically demanding occupations and less labor-intensive roles, which shows an understanding of different job requirements.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • pension
  • unfair
  • occupational hazards
  • early retirement
  • physically demanding jobs
  • mental health
  • burnout
  • job-related stress
  • flexible retirement
  • health risks
  • workplace adaptation
  • career satisfaction
  • work-life balance
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