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Writing Samples
Band 5

Poor nutrition and obesity is a problem in many developed countries and some people believe that a tax on fast food would reduce the problem. Do you agree?

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Introduction
Over the past few decades, the change in our alimentary habits has caused poor nutrition and obesity to become more frequent, especially in many developed countries.
That is
Linking Words
 why many people suggest that a
tax
Use synonyms
 on fast
food
Use synonyms
 would help us gain control over
this
Linking Words
 worrying phenomenon.
While
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 a little bit
skeptical
Change the spelling
sceptical
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 about the long-term efficiency of the discussed measure, I agree that some adjustments to the
tax
Use synonyms
 system could benefit
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society and diminish the impact of
this
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 transformation.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, the proposed solution does not target the roots of the problem, focusing just on
restraints
Correct article usage
the restraints
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 to it
instead
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.
This
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 implies that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 it is hard to predict the evolution of the situation for long periods of time. Introducing a
tax
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 on
this
Linking Words
 product does not mean that people’s desire to consume it will disappear.
On the contrary
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, it might encourage the corporations running the industry to adopt strategies aimed at improving their efficiency and reducing the production costs, so that fast
food
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 could become more affordable again. Even though it is uncertain whether they could succeed in adapting or not
given
Punctuation problem
, given
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 the fact that there have never been attempts at introducing
such
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 measures, it is certain that the number of potential customers will not experience drastic decreases.
This
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 raises the question of whether
such
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 a measure could produce significant results over long periods of time.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, the present state of the global economy and politics
are favorable
Correct subject-verb agreement
is favourable
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 for
this
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 restriction. The inflation has accelerated, and the armed conflict in the Middle East has caused the price of fossil fuels and
transports
Check wording
transport
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 to skyrocket. These changes caused the cost of living to increase.
Therefore
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, the introduction of a
tax
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 on fast
food
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 will convince many people to search for alternatives to it,
for
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example
Punctuation problem
example,
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 cooking
by
Change preposition
for
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 themselves, in spite of their temptations, in order to save money. In my opinion, the fact that people are paying more attention to the way they spend their money can be used to change their habits, and
this
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how
Verb problem
is how
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 the problem could be solved.
Conclusion
On balance,
while
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 it is hard to estimate the potential impact of
such
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 a restriction over long periods of time, I believe that applying fees to fast
food
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 would indeed diminish obesity and poor nutrition.

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task response
Make your main reason stronger with a clear example. For example, say how a higher price may lead some people to cook at home, buy fresh food, or eat fast food less often.
task response
Some ideas are too general. The part about firms cutting costs is possible, but it takes a lot of space and is not fully shown. Explain more clearly how this would affect obesity.
task response
The point about war, fuel prices, and the cost of living is not needed. It may be true, but it does not directly show that a fast-food tax will reduce poor diet and obesity.
task response
Your ending says that the tax will reduce the problem, but the body says it may not have a strong long-term effect. Make these two parts match more closely. You could say that the tax may help, but it should be used with food lessons and help for healthy food.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body part focused on one main point. In the second body part, move from higher prices to home cooking and then to better health in a more direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences. For example: “A fast-food tax may not work on its own because it does not change why people choose this food.” This tells the reader what the paragraph will show.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Break them into two or three short sentences so that the links between ideas are clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Check small linking errors. For example, write “This implies that it is hard...” without a comma. Also, “this how the problem could be solved” should be “this is how the problem could be solved.”
task response
You give a clear view: you agree, but you also show why a fast-food tax may not work well in the long run. This makes your answer balanced.
task response
You answer all parts of the question and stay focused on poor diet, obesity, fast food, and tax.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and a short ending. The order of ideas is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Therefore”, and “On balance” help the reader follow your view.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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