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Band 7.5

Poor nutrition and obesity is a problem in many developed countries and some people believe that a tax on fast food would reduce the problem. Do you agree?

#nutrition #obesity #countries #people #tax #food
At
this
 day and age, irrationally eating and weight gain have become an issue in many rich countries, so it is believed that a tax on fast
food
 would help diminuating the
problem
.
While
 I agree with
this
 statement, I believe that payments are only the first steps of
this
 process, because the
problem
 dives deeper in the level of understanding of what one eats and why.
As well as
 that, rising prices is more of a short-period
problem
.
Firstly
, humanity has the capacity of adapting to almost everything the government imposes. So, if the taxes were to increase, it could only be a short term solution or the first step of a more elaborate plan.
For example
, if “Mac Donald’s” happens to be more expensive and
people
 don’t afford it, somebody else will open a new restaurant with similar
food
, but slightly less calories.
As well as
 that, in comparison the
food
 may seem healthier, but wouldn’t be healthy enough to reduce obesity. So,
people
 get creative and find solutions in time, as
this
 restriction won’t survive long enough to make a substantial change.
Secondly
,
while
 taxes will draw attention to the public eye, it doesn’t automatically mean that
people
 would understand the purpose behind
this
 change.
Moreover
, the public might take it as a way the government found to extract even more money from businesses.
Instead
 of risking getting
people
 against the change, they can be helped in getting to the decision of not eating irrationally anymore on their own.
For instance
, it can be implemented a new mandatory subject at school, where everything about
food
 is explained: what is it made of, in which amounts should carbohydrates, proteins and fibers be consumed and most importantly: why.
People
 need to understand an issue in order to listen and take into consideration the sollution, and by starting with the new generation, parents of those kids will have no other choice but to eat healthy too. In conclusion,
while
 I agree with the initial idea, I believe it should be developed more elaborately in order to assure an impact, as the solution should be as big as the
problem
 is.
Submitted by acaitaz on

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task achievement
Ensure that all examples provided are very specific and relevant to the main point being made. While your examples about fast food and educational programs are good, try to make them more detailed and precise.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to minor grammatical mistakes and language usage issues, such as 'irrationally eating' which should be 'irrational eating' and 'diminuating' which should be 'diminishing.' These small inaccuracies can slightly hinder the clarity of your essay.
structure
The essay has a clear structure with a well-presented introduction and conclusion. This helps in maintaining a coherent flow throughout the essay.
coherence
Your ideas are logically sequenced, and each paragraph has a clear point that relates to the overall argument, which helps in maintaining cohesion.
task response
You have addressed the task well and provided a nuanced perspective, covering different facets of the problem and potential solutions.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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