IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Prevention is better than cure. Out of a country’s health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventive measure. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#prevention #cure #country’s #health #budget #proportion #treatment #education #measure
The significance of
health
 has been highlighted as life expectancy prolongs. From
this
 aspect, questions about whether out of a nation's
health
budget
, a large percentage should be diverted from
treatment
 to spending on
health
 education and preventive action arise. In my opinion, the authorities should spend the
health
budget
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
health
 education and preventive actions rather than
treatment
 to some extent. Irrefutably, an increase in the awareness of
health
 occurs.
This
 is because, with the government's support, individuals can learn about a wide range of
diseases
 and general symptoms of deadly illness.
This
 obviously leads to annual medical examinations and
this
in turn
Add the comma(s)
, in turn,
show examples
 allows them to early discover the probability of
diseases
,
such
 as cancer, stroke, and dementia. What is more,
although
 heavy pressure on the government's
budget
 cannot be overlooked, enormous
treatment
 expenses are reduced. In actual fact,
health
 studies undertaken by experts have revealed that those who are served fundamental medical services strive to exercise to enhance their
health
 and attempt to avoid harmful foods and habits, so they are less likely to have fatal
diseases
.
Nevertheless
, the support of appropriate
treatment
 is significant.
In other words
, since those who suffer from fatal
diseases
 struggle with expensive
treatment
 expenses, they decide to hold or give up suitable
treatment
 on time, so the patient's
health
 greatly deteriorates.
To conclude
, the support of appropriate
treatment
 is significant, but an increase in the awareness of
health
 occurs and enormous
treatment
 expenses are reduced.
Thus
, the authorities should spend on
health
budget
Fix the agreement mistake
budgets
show examples
 for
health
 education and preventive actions rather than
treatment
.
Submitted by subin12260 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Be sure to provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. Including real-world statistics or studies can make your points more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structure to enhance the readability and sophistication of your essay. This can also help in making your argument more compelling.
task achievement
While your essay presents a clear stance, incorporating a counter-argument and then refuting it could further enrich your discussion and demonstrate a broader understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear logical structure, with a well-defined introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You maintained a clear position throughout your essay, effectively responding to the prompt.
task achievement
The essay effectively highlights the importance of health education and preventive measures, providing relevant discussion in support of this viewpoint.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: