IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that legalization of drugs would solve man societal problems. Others think it would lead to drug abuse and other social issues. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

#people #legalization #drugs #man #drug #abuse
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Whether legalizing
drugs
 can lead to the opportunities of addressing social issues or
increase
Wrong verb form
increasing
show examples
 the number of
drugs
 used is a highly controversial topic.
This
 writer is swayed by the benefits of drug legalization including medical control and mitigating crime rather than the worry about the community’s
health
 decline. Allowing medical organizations to control the use of
drugs
 is the first obvious factor supporting the legalization.
This
 is because
drugs
 after being legalized are legal products,
therefore
, they are obligatory to obey safety regulations that are implemented by authorities.
As a result
, medical firms have
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 to conduct
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research in order to adapt these
drugs
’ substances and make them safe for users.
Hence
, treatment that uses
drugs
 can be widely accepted and become far less damaging for both physical and mental
health
. On the opposite side, people have the belief that
drugs
 will affect adversely
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
health
.
Due to
 the fact that the poisonous substances from
drugs
, which are
selling
Wrong verb form
sold
show examples
 prevalently in black markets regardless of whether they are processed or not, can profoundly damage users’
health
 , especially
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cognition.
As a consequence
, if
drugs
 are normal goods and can be used by the majority, the average
health
 of countries will pose a major threat relating to national development.
However
, once those poisons are taken out of
drugs
 by safety adjustment, they will not be harmful anymore.
This
 writer argues that crime will
also
 be mitigated if using
drugs
 is legal.
This
 is because governments and private companies will take responsibility for supplying
drugs
 when they are legalized,
thus
, these products are not the monopoly of black markets any longer. Based on the reduction in income of the chains of criminals
due to
 losing their monopoly, their influence will be diminished and
then
 the authorities can have chances to break off the illegal activities. In brief, drug criminals can easily be arrested because of drug legalisation.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the essay, but a brief conclusion is needed to summarize key points and restate your stance.
task achievement
Ensure all main points are supported with relevant and specific examples to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Although the essay is logically structured, consider improving transitional phrases to enhance flow and coherence between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are slightly awkward or unclear. Reviewing sentence structure and grammar could lead to clearer expression of ideas.
task achievement
You have addressed both views effectively, showing an understanding of the issue from multiple perspectives.
coherence cohesion
The arguments present a logical progression, and each paragraph discusses a distinct point, helping maintain clarity.
task achievement
The essay showcases a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced discussion on the pros and cons of drug legalization.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: