IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8

Walking is known to be beneficial for health and yet fewer and fewer people are walking these days. What are the reason for this? What can be done to tackle this problem?

#health #people #reason
People's motivation for walking is reducing over time despite its benefits.
This
 essay will address the cause and how to prevent that.
Firstly
, I will explain why that happens.
Secondly
, I will tell you the solutions for it. The Indonesian government data released recently shows that the
number
 of pedestrians dropped by 5% between 2020 and 2024.
This
 happens because pedestrian’s interest in walking is reduced. People agree that the reduced
number
 emerges
due to
 the lack of infrastructure for walking.
Additionally
, most walking environments are not comfortable because of the surrounding environment's pollution.
Although
this
 may be the case, some society argues that those do not correlate with society’s interest in walking. In reality, research in 2017 shows that the decreasing
number
 of walking routes to allocate spaces to the road parallels the
number
 of pedestrians.
Thereupon
, it indicates the correlation between the diminishing amount of walking track and people‘s interest in walking is true. Where walking spaces are the source of that issue, it could
also
 be the key to preventing it.
While
 increasing the amount of walkways could be one way to overcome that problem, improving the path quality is the key to addressing that. After all, some pedestrians complain the walking paths have not reached their area and the existing ones do not meet the required standards. With attention to that, the Indonesian government recently built thousands of walking passages and points up the comfort aspect in Jakarta.
Consequently
, the citizens use it more for sports or to reach their workplaces. Generally speaking, the infrastructure is the key to preventing them from being reduced more in the following years.
Overall
, people's lack of motivation is the cause of
this
 problem. To address that problem, Increasing the quantity and the quality of its infrastructure should cease the lower the drop.
Submitted by arsyiiimuhammad061 on

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task achievement
Try to clarify and expand your points about why fewer people are walking. The reasons mentioned could use more development and additional supporting details.
coherence cohesion
To improve the essay, you can further enhance the flow by working on the transitions between paragraphs and ideas.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the prompt, addressing both the reasons for the decline in walking and potential solutions.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is clear with a distinct introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The use of specific examples, like the Indonesian government's data and actions, helps to substantiate your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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