IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Nowadays, the extensive usage of mobiles among young generations is inevitably widespread.
Due to
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 easing the human's lives more and more
children
Use synonyms
 tend to spend hours on their cellphones. Despite, its helpful usage, it might cause massive health risks and disrupt
children
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’s careers. In my opinion, it is generally a negative development which is elaborated more in
this
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 essay. First and foremost,
this
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 phenomenon arises because of
convenience
Add an article
the convenience
show examples
 of using smartphones in different aspects of life. To exemplify, recently,
children
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 have been easily communicating with their friends around the globe just by tapping the call button on their cellphones,
while
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 a few decades ago it was not possible.
Furthermore
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, the variety of topics, which are asked by students are responded to in just a minute by websites
such
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 as Google.
In addition
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, the teenagers’ curious inclination might be satisfied by full data, which are searched by them on the websites. Despite, the advantages of smartphone usage, they might cause massive health issues
such
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 as eye problems. The high screen time is might responsible for
this
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 kind of concern, which increases the risk of getting eye disease in followed decades.
In addition
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, other diseases
such
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 as diabetes and obesity, which completely depend on activity time, come up with addictive behaviour of
children
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 to cell phones.
Moreover
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, these
children
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 mostly communicate by their cell phones online, which leads to a lack of conversation skills in real-life situations.
Also
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, in some cases, it might be responsible for mental issues
such
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 as depression and anxiety. That means, the absence of connection skills has led them to loneliness, which is the cause of two mental issues that are mentioned.
To conclude
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, the number of smartphones utilised by
children
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 has rapidly increased in recent years.
This
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 rapid trend is followed by
children
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’s health concerns hand-in-hand with mental challenges.
Although
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 smartphones come up with various benefits, a monitoring approach to check
children
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 spending hours on cell phones is vitally important.

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task achievement
Overall, you presented a clear and comprehensive response to the task, elaborating both on the reasons and on the negative impacts of children's high smartphone use. However, make sure to review some grammatical errors and improve your sentence structure for better clarity. For example, phrases like 'it might cause massive health risks' would be clearer as 'it may cause significant health risks' and ensure proper use of articles (e.g., 'the easing of humans' lives').
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The flow of ideas is logical and coherent. However, some linking words and phrases could be improved to enhance cohesion. For example, instead of 'To exemplify, recently, children have been easily communicating...' consider 'For instance, children nowadays can easily communicate...'.
task achievement
Make sure to avoid redundancy and ensure each point is distinct and supported clearly. For example, you mentioned both eye diseases and lack of conversational skills as negative impacts, which is good, but ensure that each point is elaborated distinctly without mixed messages, such as with the eye disease and addiction examples.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structure to maintain the reader's interest and make complex ideas easier to follow. For instance, instead of 'The high screen time is might responsible for this kind of concern, which increases the risk of getting eye disease in followed decades,' you might say 'High screen time may lead to eye diseases in the long term, increasing the risk significantly.'
task achievement
Your essay provides a comprehensive and relevant response to the task, covering both reasons and impacts effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion which makes it easy to follow and understand.
task achievement
You used relevant and specific examples to support your main points, such as children communicating globally and immediate responses from Google.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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