IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

There are those who consider work to be the paramount aspect of life, suggesting that without career success, life loses its meaning. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#work #aspect #life #career #success
In many modern capitalistic societies,
career
 achievement is one of the vital roles in the life of a human being. Many people tend to give more attention to their
career
 path rather than to other important aspects of their
lives
. In my opinion, I partly agree with
this
 statement and in the following paragraphs, I will provide some insights. We cannot deny the fact that money and
career
 status in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society play a crucial role in our
lives
. Despite
this
 fact, other significant aspects
such
 as our offspring, parents, friends, other family members, pets, etc. exist in our
lives
. In my perspective, our
career
, capacity and income are just key attributes of living in comfortable conditions. With the help of our work, we can reach some satisfaction doing various tasks, but we will not be able to get the higher fulfilment.
For instance
, many parents work in the same workplace during their whole
lives
, and sometimes they face stressful situations, which might cause anxiety. They might get calm after spending time with their families.
For example
, my female friend has a son. She always looks grateful in the morning and her secret is that she tries to spend more time with her son in the evenings.
In addition
, our
career
 accomplishments might play a significant role in our social status, but to establish higher success in our job, every person spends a prominent time, attention and force.
Nevertheless
, it affects both our state of mental health and physical well-being.
For instance
, a sedentary lifestyle can cause illnesses
such
 as stress, depression, being overweight, and diabetes. In conclusion, every person should find a balance between job performance and other important aspects of life.
Submitted by shani.menglieva.94 on

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coherence and cohesion
Try to ensure each paragraph has a single clear main idea that is very evident through the paragraph. This will help improve clarity.
task response
Expanding on your examples and relating them more directly to the question will help in making your argument more compelling.
coherence and cohesion
Try to avoid repeating the same phrases or ideas and aim for a more varied vocabulary to make the essay more engaging.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to provide a coherent structure.
task response
You addressed the topic from multiple angles, showing your ability to consider different perspectives.
task response
The examples provided, such as the mention of parents working and the story about your friend, add a personal touch and make the essay more relatable.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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