IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people say that individuals who make a lot of money are the most successful. Others think that those who contribute to society like scientists and teachers are more successful. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion

#people #individuals #money #society #scientists #teachers
People
 have different views as to whether
people
 who are rich are more successful than
people
 who put others before themselves. Despite the fact that wealthy
people
 are held in high regard, I believe that selfless
people
 should be given more respect. On the one hand, there are two main reasons to believe that rich
people
 are considered to be successful.
Firstly
, under capitalism, success is often measured by how much money a person has and not how much contribution one makes. In a highly materialistic society,
people
 are judged based on their possessions, ranging from the vehicles they drive to the brand-name clothes they have.
Secondly
, many
people
 are self-made billionaires who have worked very hard and smart, overcoming countless obstacles and disappointments. Unfortunately, not everyone can do
this
 since the majority of
people
 can barely make ends meet or they rather lack the determination.
However
, selfless
people
 like scientists and teachers should be given more social recognition. These
people
 sacrifice themselves for the greater good and always think of other
people
 before themselves. Without teachers who work for public rather than private schools, an all-inclusive society will not exist as many underprivileged
people
 will be ignored and left behind.
As a result
, there will be huge social inequalities and many
people
 will have no choice but to protest, rob or create chaos in order to survive.
For instance
, there have been a lot of protests because of unequal wealth distribution in countries like Thailand where there are a large number of rich and successful
people
. In conclusion,
although
 being rich can mean being very successful, it seems to me that success should be measured by social contributions.
Submitted by saiparnwc on

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task response
The introduction is well-structured and clearly outlines the two perspectives. However, it could benefit from a slightly more engaging hook or a statement that draws the reader in more effectively.
task response
While the essay presents clear and comprehensive ideas, expanding on the examples and providing more specific evidence would strengthen the arguments. For instance, including specific names or achievements of scientists and teachers could make the argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with each paragraph representing a distinct idea. However, coherence could be improved by using more varied transition words and phrases to make the flow even smoother. Phrases like 'moreover,' 'furthermore,' or 'on the other hand' could be used more effectively.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion is concise and summarizes the main points well. Nevertheless, it could briefly reiterate the key arguments discussed in the body to reinforce the essay’s stance.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout, making it easy for the reader to follow the writer's perspective.
task response
The main points are well-supported with logical reasoning and examples, making the arguments persuasive and relevant.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial prosperity
  • capitalizing
  • luxury travel
  • exclusive experiences
  • contributions to society
  • humanitarian workers
  • lasting impact
  • highly subjective
  • cultural, societal, and personal values
  • comfort and security
  • deeper personal satisfaction
  • holistic understanding
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