Some people say that individuals who make a lot of money are the most successful. Others think that those who contribute to society like scientists and teachers are more successful. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion
People
have different views as to whether people
who are rich are more successful than people
who put others before themselves. Despite the fact that wealthy people
are held in high regard, I believe that selfless people
should be given more respect.
On the one hand, there are two main reasons to believe that rich people
are considered to be successful. Firstly
, under capitalism, success is often measured by how much money a person has and not how much contribution one makes. In a highly materialistic society, people
are judged based on their possessions, ranging from the vehicles they drive to the brand-name clothes they have. Secondly
, many people
are self-made billionaires who have worked very hard and smart, overcoming countless obstacles and disappointments. Unfortunately, not everyone can do this
since the majority of people
can barely make ends meet or they rather lack the determination.
However
, selfless people
like scientists and teachers should be given more social recognition. These people
sacrifice themselves for the greater good and always think of other people
before themselves. Without teachers who work for public rather than private schools, an all-inclusive society will not exist as many underprivileged people
will be ignored and left behind. As a result
, there will be huge social inequalities and many people
will have no choice but to protest, rob or create chaos in order to survive. For instance
, there have been a lot of protests because of unequal wealth distribution in countries like Thailand where there are a large number of rich and successful people
.
In conclusion, although
being rich can mean being very successful, it seems to me that success should be measured by social contributions.Submitted by saiparnwc on
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task response
The introduction is well-structured and clearly outlines the two perspectives. However, it could benefit from a slightly more engaging hook or a statement that draws the reader in more effectively.
task response
While the essay presents clear and comprehensive ideas, expanding on the examples and providing more specific evidence would strengthen the arguments. For instance, including specific names or achievements of scientists and teachers could make the argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with each paragraph representing a distinct idea. However, coherence could be improved by using more varied transition words and phrases to make the flow even smoother. Phrases like 'moreover,' 'furthermore,' or 'on the other hand' could be used more effectively.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion is concise and summarizes the main points well. Nevertheless, it could briefly reiterate the key arguments discussed in the body to reinforce the essay’s stance.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout, making it easy for the reader to follow the writer's perspective.
task response
The main points are well-supported with logical reasoning and examples, making the arguments persuasive and relevant.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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