IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

A young person will start work at your office next month to gain work experience. Write a letter to him/her. In your letter ▪️Inform him/her about the work that needs to be done at the office; ▪️Explain what he/she is supposed to do on the first day; ▪️Suggest what he/she should bring to work

#person #work #office #month #gain #▪️inform #▪️explain #first #▪️suggest
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Dear Alfian, I hope
this
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 letter finds you in good condition, my name is Ricardo, I am your employer and I will say welcome to Ajisaka
Company
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. I am writing
this
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 letter to inform you about a couple of things. As we know,
this
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company
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 have several
department
Change to a plural noun
departments
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 and you are in
advertising
Add an article
the advertising
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 department. For your information, you must solve your task or job on time at the
office
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 and be unable to do it at your home.
This
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 is the rule in our
company
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. On your first day in
office
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, I will suppose you to introduce yourself in front of all employees. In your introduction, you must mention your complete identity your goals why you are joining
this
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company
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.
In addition
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, you can
explaining
Change the verb form
explain
be explaining
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 your skills,
therefore
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, we are able to know about your abilities. For your obligation, you must bring your mobile phone to do your occupation at the
office
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.
Besides
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, you will be gaining a card identity and you must use it wherever and whenever during your time working in the
office
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,
moreover
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, when you meet with our client. yours sincerely Ricardo
Submitted by patricius.yohanes on

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task achievement
You did a great job covering all the required points in the letter, including informing Alfian about the work, explaining the first day's tasks, and suggesting what to bring. However, you could improve clarity in some areas by simplifying your sentences and avoiding ambiguous language.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the letter is generally clear, though it could benefit from more distinct paragraphs. For instance, each point (work details, first day, what to bring) should ideally begin a new paragraph. This will make it easier for the reader to follow.
coherence cohesion
While the letter was overall coherent, work on ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea to enhance clarity. This will make your writing more organized and easier for the reader to comprehend.
coherence cohesion
Your greeting and closing were appropriate and courteous, setting a polite and professional tone for the letter.
task achievement
You have successfully used a suitable writing tone that is formal yet friendly, which is appropriate for the context of welcoming a new employee.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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