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Band 7.5

Many people these days enjoy watching sports on TV. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #sports #tv
Nowadays, watching
sports
games
 on
television
 has become a major trend.
Although
 there are plenty of drawbacks, I believe that the benefits are much more accessible for
people
. Despite the drawbacks below, I think the advantages of watching
sports
 on TV are extremely useful for viewers.
Firstly
, it helps individuals save more money. To be specific, it is much cheaper to watch
sports
games
 on
television
 as supporters only have to pay a little money to get access.
By contrast
, if
people
 choose to watch live events in a stadium, they have to pay the entrance fee for almost three or four times more.
Furthermore
, if the stadium or arena is far away from where they live, it might cost extra fees.
Secondly
,
people
 can replay the
games
 as many times as they want. If the sport is taking place in another region or a country, the time of the game would be at midnight when
people
 are sleeping.
This
 means that individuals could watch the replay whenever they have spare time. Admittedly, there are a few fundamental disadvantages to watching
sports
games
 on
television
. One obvious problem is that spectators are unable to experience the passion. In some cases,
people
 may encounter hooligans who start shouting abuse and throwing bottles everywhere,
for instance
.
This
 can certainly create an uncomfortable and even dangerous atmosphere
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
 Another detrimental aspect is that it is unhealthy for the supporters. To explain, sitting in front of a
television
 for a long time might lead to a sedentary lifestyle.
In addition
,
people
's bodies would gradually become stiff and rusty. To sum up, saving money and having great access to the game far outweigh any of the minor benefits that could result from watching
sports
 on TV.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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task achievement
The introduction could be slightly expanded to provide more context on the topic.
task achievement
Try to provide more detailed examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure transitions between ideas are seamless to maintain a smooth flow.
coherence cohesion
Concluding with a summary of the main points discussed can strengthen the conclusion.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both advantages and disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
Main points are clear and logically structured, making it easy to follow the argument.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the writer's stance.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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