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Band 4.5

These days, many people watch sports on TV. Do you thing the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #sports #tv
Nowadays, Watching sports
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
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 on
television
have
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has
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 become a major trend.
Although
 there are plenty of drawbacks, I believe that the benefits are much more accessible for people. Despite the drawbacks below, I think the advantages of saving money
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 a crucial and useful one. To be specific, it is much cheaper to watch sports games on
television
 as supporters only have to pay a little money to get access.
By contrast
, you have to pay the entrance fee for almost three or four times more.
Furthermore
, if the stadium or arena is far away from
wherethe
Correct your spelling
where the
audiences
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audience
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live
Correct subject-verb agreement
lives
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, it might cost extra fees.
Secondly
, the
time
 of watching games is free, if the
sports
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sport
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 is taking place in another region or a country, the
time
 of the game would be
in
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at
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 midnight when people are sleeping,
this
 means that individuals could watch the replay whenever
thay
Correct your spelling
they
 have spare
time
. Admittedly, there are a few fundamental disadvantages
of
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to
show examples
 watching
sport
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sports
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 games on
television
. One obvious problem is that spectators are unable to experience the passion. Simply put, the atmosphere in the stadiums is more elegant,
such
 as fans shouting and cheering.
However
,
this
 opinion is not strong enough as not all spectators like the
noisesand
Correct your spelling
noises and
 some audiences could still find their own friends to watch with them. Another detrimental aspect is that it is unhealthy
to
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for
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 the supporters. To explain, always sitting in front of a
television
 might lead to a sedentary lifestyle.
In addition
, people would gradually become lazy and rusty, which will
also
 influence their food
habit
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habits
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, namely junk food.
To sum up
, the benefits of saving money
as well as
 free
in
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apply
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time
 could clearly outweigh some basic drawbacks
Submitted by s_syedy on

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coherence cohesion
The essay should have a clearer logical structure. Each paragraph should focus on a single key idea, presented in a clear and organized manner.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed in the essay while reinforcing your opinion.
task response
Develop your main points more comprehensively. Include specific examples and explanations to support your arguments better.
task response
Try using more varied sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance clarity and engagement.
task response
You address both advantages and disadvantages, showing a balanced approach to the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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