IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young children. Moregovernment money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
These days some individuals believe that
education
Use synonyms
 tends to be mentioned at a high frequency for
youngsters
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, others consider that the state budget should be spent on entertainment activities for
youngsters
Use synonyms
. In my point of view, I believe that
money
Use synonyms
 should be invested in
education
Use synonyms
 for
youngsters
Use synonyms
 to have a good educational background and platform rather than leisure activity
due to
Linking Words
 it can keep them from studying. The
government
Use synonyms
 should utilize
money
Use synonyms
 more on
education
Use synonyms
 because
education
Use synonyms
 is the key to the development of specific countries. The more
money
Use synonyms
 the
government
Use synonyms
 invests, the more effectively the young learn and study through state-of-the-art methods; the young may become the leader of the future of the nation so it is necessary for them to have a good educational background and a wide range of practical knowledge which can help them to operate and outperform in their social functions to thrive their nation in the right way. With globalization,
youngsters
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 need to communicate and keep in touch with foreign countries, so that
education
Use synonyms
 can be a crucial development to invest
money
Use synonyms
 in more modern approaches which are relevant to study to keep up with the growth of foreign
education
Use synonyms
. The
government
Use synonyms
 should spend
money
Use synonyms
 on free time activities for
youngsters
Use synonyms
. Nowadays, literacy is becoming common. parents tend to force their children to achieve higher scores and performance in
education
Use synonyms
, especially in school. It leads to peer pressure and can have a detrimental effect on the mental health of
youngsters
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as depression, being hyper-stressed is unavoidable, so they may need to entertain themselves with free time activity.
However
Linking Words
, if the
government
Use synonyms
 focus on entertaining and neglects educational problems, it can lead to the deterioration of the development of the nation. To recapitulate, it is useful to utilize the state budget on
education
Use synonyms
 rather than entertaining activity because of the benefits that
education
Use synonyms
 brings to the country.
However
Linking Words
, many parents should not expect their children too much to mitigate depression.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay provides a clear position on the topic and you have addressed both sides of the argument, which is important for a balanced response. However, try to integrate more specific examples to illustrate your points and give them more solid foundation.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For instance, the shift from discussing the benefits of education to the need for entertainment activities could have a more seamless transition that logically connects the two ideas.
coherence cohesion
While your main points are clear, the support for these points could be more robust. Try to provide more detailed reasoning and evidence for why you believe education is more beneficial than entertainment activities.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids readability and comprehension.
task achievement
You have successfully covered both sides of the argument, which demonstrates your ability to consider multiple perspectives.
coherence cohesion
The main ideas in your essay are coherent and logically developed, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: