Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent for the free time activity of young people. To what extend, do you agree or disagree ?
There is too much expense spent on educating the young generation and the officials should pay more attention to providing pleasure time activities for them. I totally agree with focusing more on extra action because it can not only help students relax but
also
improve their physical health
.
The main reason I support spending more money on spare time practices is the relaxation of the young. If students are given too much emphasis on studying , they may become stressed and overwhelmed. As a consequence
, it could have negative influences on the students’s mental health
. A clear example of this
is the increasing rate of depression in teenagers due to
their heavy workload. Therefore
, extra curriculum activities should be invested in to help student refresh their mind after a hard study week.
Another factor that can be considered is spending more on free time activities can also
lead to improvement
of teenagers’s physical Correct article usage
the improvement
health
. When their physical health
enhances
, young people may have higher productivity and better focus on their Wrong verb form
is enhanced
study
. Fix the agreement mistake
studies
In particular
, some sport
competitions should be organized to provide students a chance to practise and strengthen their Fix the agreement mistake
sports
health
to avoid sedentary lifestyles, As a result
, some potential diseases such
as obesity and heart disease can be prevented.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that more expenditure should spend
to invest in extra curriculum practices for teenagers to refresh their minds and improve their physical Wrong verb form
be spent
health
. Thus
, young
generation can feel stronger and avoid Add an article
the young
from
having negative impacts Change preposition
apply
such
as depression or stress.Submitted by [email protected] on
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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, you could include more transitional phrases, such as 'firstly,' 'secondly,' and 'finally', to make the flow of ideas smoother.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction is more specific about what aspects of free-time activities will be discussed. Currently, it's a bit general.
task achievement
While the examples provided are relevant, more specific instances or statistics would strengthen the argument further.
task achievement
To present clearer and more comprehensive ideas, ensure that each paragraph has one clear main idea and supports it fully before moving on to the next idea.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a logical structure with clear introduction and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The main points are supported well and are relevant to the question.
task achievement
The essay responds fully to the task, addressing all aspects of the question.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear and easy to understand.