Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent for the free time activity of young people. To what extend, do you agree or disagree ?

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Introduction

There is too much expense spent on educating the young generation and the officials should pay more attention to providing pleasure time activities for them. I totally agree with focusing more on extra action because it can not only help students relax but

also

Linking Words

improve their physical

health

Use synonyms

Body paragraph 1

The main reason I support spending more money on spare time practices is the relaxation of the young. If students are given too much emphasis on studying , they may become stressed and overwhelmed.

As a consequence

Linking Words

, it could have negative influences on the students’s mental

health

Use synonyms

. A clear example of

this

Linking Words

is the increasing rate of depression in teenagers

due to

Linking Words

their heavy workload.

Therefore

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, extra curriculum activities should be invested in to help student refresh their mind after a hard study week.

Body paragraph 2

Another factor that can be considered is spending more on free time activities can

also

Linking Words

lead to

improvement

Correct article usage

the improvement

show examples

of teenagers’s physical

health

Use synonyms

. When their physical

health

Use synonyms

enhances

Wrong verb form

is enhanced

show examples

, young people may have higher productivity and better focus on their

study

Fix the agreement mistake

studies

show examples

In particular

Linking Words

, some

sport

Fix the agreement mistake

sports

show examples

competitions should be organized to provide students a chance to practise and strengthen their

health

Use synonyms

to avoid sedentary lifestyles,

As a result

Linking Words

, some potential diseases

such

Linking Words

as obesity and heart disease can be prevented.

Conclusion

In conclusion, I strongly believe that more expenditure should

spend

Wrong verb form

be spent

show examples

to invest in extra curriculum practices for teenagers to refresh their minds and improve their physical

health

Use synonyms

Thus

Linking Words

young

Add an article

the young

show examples

generation can feel stronger and avoid

from

Change preposition

apply

show examples

having negative impacts

such

Linking Words

as depression or stress.

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Jun 5, 2024

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coherence cohesion

To improve the logical structure, you could include more transitional phrases, such as 'firstly,' 'secondly,' and 'finally', to make the flow of ideas smoother.

coherence cohesion

Ensure that the introduction is more specific about what aspects of free-time activities will be discussed. Currently, it's a bit general.

task achievement

While the examples provided are relevant, more specific instances or statistics would strengthen the argument further.

task achievement

To present clearer and more comprehensive ideas, ensure that each paragraph has one clear main idea and supports it fully before moving on to the next idea.

coherence cohesion

The essay presents a logical structure with clear introduction and conclusion.

coherence cohesion

The main points are supported well and are relevant to the question.

task achievement

The essay responds fully to the task, addressing all aspects of the question.

task achievement

The ideas presented are clear and easy to understand.

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9
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 5.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 5.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

253 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

overemphasis
burnout
well-being
mental health
social inclusion
non-academic skills
recreational facilities
antisocial behaviors
extracurricular activities
diverse interests
personal growth
real-world skills
intellectual society
undue stress
teamwork
societal development

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Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent for the free time activity of young people. To what extend, do you agree or disagree ?

Many people believe that university students should study a full range of subjects, instead of some specific subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this viewpoint?

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