Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people . To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

Nowadays , some
people
believe that the government should
be invested
Wrong verb form
invest
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money to break
time
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
activity of the young that becoming an important decision
to
Change preposition
for
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young
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
education
. From my perspective, I totally agree with the statement for some reasons. On the one hand,I hold to the belief that free
time
activity is a main factor enhance
education
ability.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, the children need
a
Correct article usage
apply
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free
time
to relieve the stress and take a
breathe
Replace the word
breath
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that suffer from
learning
Add an article
the learning
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process.
Moreover
, the first reason is that recreational
activities
can be just advantages to young
people
is
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in
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overall
development.
This
is because
after
Add the comma(s)
, after
show examples
stressful days of studying, leisure
activities
are what help children relieve pressure . Some
researcher
Fix the agreement mistake
researchers
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in British show that leisure activity
associated
Add a missing verb
is associated
show examples
with
education
so
people
need to balance
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
break
time
activities
.
On the other hand
, providing funding for free
time
activities
for young
people
is
also
important in promoting their holistic growth and well-rounded development. Engaging in free
time
activities
such
as sports, arts, and music can enhance young
people
's creativity, social skills, physical well-being, and mental health. Creating extracurricular or physical
activities
is
also
a way to help young
people
feel less pressured after stressful classes, create a more relaxed mind, and stimulate the development of the brain and thinking.
For instance
, adding some physical
education
classes during study
time
helps students have
time
to both exercise physically and relax their minds. In conclusion,
this
new offer with excellent amenities helps young with reduce stress and encourages them to do leisure
activities
than
Rephrase
rather than
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stay at home to be lazy.
Mordern
Correct your spelling
Modern
society will significantly from
this
convenience.
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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt with a clear position and provides some reasoning to support your opinion. However, more specific examples and detailed explanations are needed to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally clear, but there are a few areas where the flow could be improved. Using more transitional phrases can help the reader follow your argument more easily. Additionally, clearly delineating each point in separate paragraphs would improve readability.
coherence cohesion
There are small grammatical errors and awkward phrases. To improve clarity, work on sentence structure and verb agreement. Careful proofreading can help to catch these errors.
task achievement
Your introduction sets up the topic well and shows a clear stance on the issue.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-structured conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your position.
task achievement
Your essay provides some strong reasons why the government should invest in free time activities for young people.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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