Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people . To what extent do you agree or disagree ?
Nowadays , some
people
believe that the government should be invested
money to break Wrong verb form
invest
time
activity of the young that becoming an important decision Correct your spelling
the
to
young Change preposition
for
people
Change noun form
people's
education
. From my perspective, I totally agree with the statement for some reasons.
On the one hand,I hold to the belief that free time
activity is a main factor enhance education
ability. Futhermore
, the children need Correct your spelling
Furthermore
a
free Correct article usage
apply
time
to relieve the stress and take a breathe
that suffer from Replace the word
breath
learning
process. Add an article
the learning
Moreover
, the first reason is that recreational activities
can be just advantages to young people
is
Correct your spelling
in
overall
development. This
is because after
stressful days of studying, leisure Add the comma(s)
, after
activities
are what help children relieve pressure . Some researcher
in British show that leisure activity Fix the agreement mistake
researchers
associated
with Add a missing verb
is associated
education
so people
need to balance on
Change preposition
apply
the
Correct article usage
apply
education
and the
break Correct article usage
apply
time
activities
.
On the other hand
, providing funding for free time
activities
for young people
is also
important in promoting their holistic growth and well-rounded development. Engaging in free time
activities
such
as sports, arts, and music can enhance young people
's creativity, social skills, physical well-being, and mental health. Creating extracurricular or physical activities
is also
a way to help young people
feel less pressured after stressful classes, create a more relaxed mind, and stimulate the development of the brain and thinking. For instance
, adding some physical education
classes during study time
helps students have time
to both exercise physically and relax their minds.
In conclusion, this
new offer with excellent amenities helps young with reduce stress and encourages them to do leisure activities
than
stay at home to be lazy. Rephrase
rather than
Mordern
society will significantly from Correct your spelling
Modern
this
convenience.Submitted by [email protected]
on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt with a clear position and provides some reasoning to support your opinion. However, more specific examples and detailed explanations are needed to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally clear, but there are a few areas where the flow could be improved. Using more transitional phrases can help the reader follow your argument more easily. Additionally, clearly delineating each point in separate paragraphs would improve readability.
coherence cohesion
There are small grammatical errors and awkward phrases. To improve clarity, work on sentence structure and verb agreement. Careful proofreading can help to catch these errors.
task achievement
Your introduction sets up the topic well and shows a clear stance on the issue.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-structured conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your position.
task achievement
Your essay provides some strong reasons why the government should invest in free time activities for young people.