Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people . To what extent do you agree or disagree .
In
this
modern society , many think education is the most important for children . However
, others believe that their nations should spend more money improving another activities
for Replace the adjective
another activity
other activities
students
. This
writer agree
that Change the verb form
agrees
students
need
have more free Add the particle
need to
time
to relax and develop their talents .
First and foremost , children often have much stress when they study a lot . So , they can use their free time
to do another activities
to relax and practice different soft skills . Replace the adjective
another activity
other activities
For instance
, governments can spend money training some teachers who only teach about social skills . They can help students
know more knowledge their society .
With another
advantage , Change preposition
Another
if
Add a missing verb
is if
students
have more free time
, they can train and develop their talents such
as computer , music , Correct word choice
and sport
sport
, …. It Fix the agreement mistake
sports
help
them can find the best universities to develop their self . As a Change the verb form
helps
results
, children can find the best job which Correct the article-noun agreement
result
suitable
for them in the future . They will feel excited and happy when they do these jobs . It Add a missing verb
is suitable
make
our nations develop quickly and more Change the verb form
makes
safety
. Replace the word
safely
Also
reduce Add a comma
Also,
amount
of unemployed in the future .
To recapitulate , Add an article
the amount
This
writer think
education is necessary for Change the verb form
thinks
student
. Fix the agreement mistake
students
However
, studying a lot is not good , student should have more free time
to do outdoor activities and improve their talents .Submitted by [email protected] on
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task achievement
While you've addressed the core of the discussion, the essay could benefit from clearer organization and more detailed examples. Try to elaborate on how free time activities could specifically improve students' well-being and learning experience.
task achievement
Your essay would be stronger with clearer, more comprehensive ideas. Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea and provide supporting details and examples. You could enrich your explanation on how training in social skills and talents can contribute to overall personal and societal development.
task achievement
Adding more specific and relevant examples would bolster your arguments. For instance, mentioning statistics about stress levels in students, or successful programs in countries that have emphasized extracurricular activities, would make your points more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured and includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps readability. However, working on smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs would enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Avoid starting paragraphs with 'With another advantage' or 'First and foremost' without making a clear link to the previous point. This will improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
To improve logical structure, attempt to balance your points more equally. Certain sections of your essay like the last point, seem rushed or less developed, hence making it a bit unbalanced.
structure
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which encapsulate your main argument effectively. This is crucial for a good essay structure.
task achievement
You've addressed the prompt by discussing both the importance of education and the benefits of free time activities. This makes your essay balanced and comprehensive.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.