IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that governments are spending more money on wild life. This money should be used for other works. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #governments #money #life #works
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The
government
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 collects its income through taxes from the
people
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,
therefore
Linking Words
, spending the
money
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 not focusing on them
such
Linking Words
 as elevating the number of animals in the environment is wrong.
Country
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development
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as well as
Linking Words
 public transportation improvement should become the focuses for the
government
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 to utilize the
money
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.
Thus
Linking Words
, the writer will discuss more on the disagreement side.
Firstly
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, research shows that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the number of
people
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 living in a
country
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 has risen massively
due to
Linking Words
 the end of the Coronavirus Disease 2019 pandemic in 2023, they immediately would like to have a child prior to other diseases coming up.
This
Linking Words
 trend has led to an increased number of
people
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 and governments should be concerned with how they will manage their population's wealth.
Thus
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,
country
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development
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, particularly in housing and living places, should be their focus to develop.
Such
Linking Words
 as building a house vertically like an apartment.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 will provide more
people
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 with the opportunity to live.
Secondly
Linking Words
, living in a vertical house as the campaign of
country
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development
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 from the
government
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 has an effect on
people
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 who live there. The crowdedness
as well as
Linking Words
 the lack of building space to park their car or motorcycle forces them to use public transportation. It is better to utilize the
money
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 for developing subway facilities or constructing a new railway for commuter users, rather than concerning it to the environment. In summary, it is better for the
government
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 to focus its spending on the
people
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such
Linking Words
 as providing houses as part of
Use synonyms
country's
Correct article usage
the country's
show examples
development
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 and improving public transportation.
This
Linking Words
 is because the
money
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 that the
government
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 has comes from the taxes paid by the
people
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, focusing on the
people
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 should be the priority for spending the
money
Use synonyms
Submitted by bram.admiral on

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task achievement
Your essay does a good job of addressing the topic, and you provide a comprehensive response. However, some of your ideas could benefit from clearer development. For example, while you mention vertical housing, you could explain more about how this specifically addresses the issue at hand.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence, your essay follows a logical structure, but there are areas where the connection between ideas could be stronger. Try to use more linking phrases and ensure that each paragraph flows naturally into the next. Additionally, the introduction could be more engaging to capture the reader's attention right away.
coherence cohesion
For cohesion, while your main points are supported, expanding with a few more specific examples will make your argument stronger. Also, consider discussing potential counterarguments to acknowledge different perspectives, and then refute them to strengthen your own position further.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your argument nicely.
task achievement
You have addressed the task well by discussing both country development and public transportation as areas for government spending.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • ecosystem
  • conservation
  • extinction
  • natural disaster
  • tourism
  • job creation
  • economic benefit
  • moral obligation
  • ethical considerations
  • scientific research
  • educational value
  • medicine
  • biology
  • environmental science
  • alternative funding
  • reallocating budgets
  • private sector involvement
  • international cooperation
  • urgent human welfare needs
What to do next:
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