IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?

#museums #charge #admission #people
Museum
 is a place where someone can view lifestyle of past generations.Nowadays, some
museums
 are free of
cost
while
 other
museum
 has
entry
 fees for admission. Imposing public for visiting
museums
 has lot of merits as comparing to
museums
 that are available for free.
Firstly
,the imposing for
entry
 prevents the unnecessary people to enter inside
museums
, because some
museums
 are specific to particular category
such
 as
space
museum
,art
museum
 and so on.
Secondly
,it is a one of the source of income to
museums
.
For instance
,I am interested in
space
 science so I visited
space
museum
 in bangalore where they charged $100
entry
 fee.People who are not interested in
space
 science dont't visit the
museum
 which reduces the crowd formation and if the
museum
 has free
entry
 it declines the revenue to
museum
. Sometimes,
museums
 allows public to enter inside are free of
cost
 ,because people below poverty line can visit
this
 free
cost
museum
.
For example
,one of my friends interested in drawing, so he was planning to visit
museum
 which is free, rest of the
museum
 were high
cost
 for
entry
 where he can't afford. I conclude that,imposing prices for
entry
 inside
museum
 has the lot of merits because it avoids the unnecessary crowd formation in
museum
 and
also
 earns good revenue to the
museum
.
Submitted by insighttribez on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Start your essay with a more engaging introduction and ensure that you clearly define the topic. Your first sentence is somewhat abrupt and lacks context.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, and try to develop this idea with sufficient supporting details. Your second paragraph, for instance, introduces a good argument but could be better structured with more examples and depth.
task achievement
Work on your grammar and vocabulary to ensure clarity. There are several grammatical mistakes in your essay, such as incorrect verb forms and missing articles, which can confuse the reader.
coherence cohesion
Use more sophisticated linking devices (e.g., 'Moreover,' 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' 'However,' 'On the contrary') to ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas.
task achievement
The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of the task requirements.
task achievement
The writer includes personal examples, which is a good effort to support their main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Admission fee
  • Revenue stream
  • Maintenance
  • Overcrowding
  • Commercialization
  • Cultural heritage
  • Diverse attendance
  • Community ownership
  • Access to culture
  • Visitor experience
  • Exhibit quality
  • Cultural mission
  • Reliance on funding
  • Government subsidies
  • Cultural accessibility
What to do next:
Look at other essays: