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Band 4.5

At the peresent time , the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outhweigh the disadvantages?

#peresent #time #population #countries #adults #people #situation #outhweigh
As far as have been told , the percentage of younger adults
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more than older
people
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days and that`s a really good situation for every
country
 because of the benefits which a young society could have. Younger can make money more than older do
also
, they can improve the economy of a
country
 which older
are
Verb problem
people have
show examples
 not
be
Wrong verb form
been
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 able to do
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
so far. When a person is young have more energy for doing
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
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 or thinking about
Add an article
the matter
a matter
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matter
Fix the agreement mistake
matters
show examples
 they
also
 have motivation for making their life and accessing
to
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apply
show examples
their goals so they are trying to make their situation
more
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apply
show examples
better but old
pesons
Correct your spelling
persons
 are more tired than working as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
also
 their body
are
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is
show examples
 not as strong as they were; when
,
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apply
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 they were young. So they just need to be
relax
Wrong verb form
relaxed
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 as an old person. Younger have more reasons to make new
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
. Nowadays
people
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people's
show examples
needs
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need
show examples
 are increasing more than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past and they find that they need more technology objects so a lot of students are inventing
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
lof
Correct your spelling
lot of
show examples
 things that help life get easier than past.
according to
 the latest
reaserch
Correct your spelling
research
of
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by
show examples
 Cambdrig University the objects which are made by students are almost 70 per cent more than 10 years ago and
that is
cleare
Correct your spelling
clear
cleared
, it is for the younger
who
Correct pronoun usage
ones who
show examples
 are so keen on solving life problems which
so
Add a missing verb
is so
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nessecary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 for every
country
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country's
show examples
.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 there is some
spesific
Correct your spelling
specific
 opinion everywhere and we have not to shut our eyes on them, older society
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 so important for every culture and they are the need for their family they always are like a light
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the younger
peole
Correct your spelling
people
, their being is a value and we must know it. In all, a society or a
country
 for
imporving
Correct your spelling
improvement
, needs young
people
 who are motivational and hard working
also
 we need our ground parents
for knowing
Change preposition
to know
show examples
 the secret of
these world
Change the determiner
this world
these worlds
show examples
.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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grammar
Work on improving grammatical accuracy. There are quite a few grammatical errors that may affect the overall clarity of your points.
structure
Try to organize your essay into clear paragraphs: Introduction, body paragraphs each with a single main idea, and a conclusion.
examples
Support your points with more specific examples and explanations to make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
You have a clear understanding of the topic and provide a balanced discussion addressing both the advantages and disadvantages.
structure
Your essay contains distinct parts for introduction and conclusion, which is good for overall structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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