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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In recent years, the issue of the acceleration of the number in several nations has gained significant attention. While this phenomenon has both pros and cons. I would contend that it may do more harm than good in the future.

#years #acceleration #nations #attention #phenomenon #harm #future
Without a shadow of a doubt, the increase of young citizens will benefit the national economy.
This
 is because those teenagers will become the majority
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 workforce for their
country
 in the future. To be more specific,
Viet Nam
Correct your spelling
Vietnam
show examples
 is considered to have
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 golden population structure with about 1 million children whose
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
ranging
Wrong verb form
range
show examples
 from 10 to 15.
This
number
 shows that VietNam has a young population and those kids can devote themselves to many fields in the
country
 and boost national coffers when they become adults.
Hence
, the growth of young individuals can do wonders for the
country
's economy.
While
 the redeeming features of a large
number
 of youngsters are widely acknowledged, it is
also
 important to notice its counterpart. The hike in the data of
adolescent
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
show examples
 can
also
bring
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a negative effect
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
country
.
And the
Correct word choice
The
show examples
 reason for
this
 is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
this
 large
number
 will put pressure
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 some undeveloped countries to
provide
Verb problem
satisfy
show examples
 youngsters’s
demand
Fix the agreement mistake
demands
show examples
.
The
Correct article usage
A
show examples
 good example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 could be that, in
India
Add a comma
India,
show examples
 there are 10
millions
Fix the agreement mistake
million
show examples
of 15 years old
Replace the word
15-year-old
show examples
 people and most of them are in unwealthy
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 or orphans.
As a result
, Indian
governor
Fix the agreement mistake
governors
show examples
 have to spend a huge amount of money to supply those children so they can go to school and medical care and if
this
number
 keeps rising the national budget could not afford them.
Thus
, the growth in adolescents can have a detrimental impact on national coffer. In conclusion,
although
the
Change the article
a
show examples
 large
number
 of teenagers can become an important
work force
Correct your spelling
workforce
show examples
 in the future, they can
also
 put economic pressure on the government.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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task achievement
Your introduction could be more explicit in outlining the structure of your essay. Although you stated your position clearly, delineating how your essay would unfold would improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
While your points are generally clear and cohesive, you should work on providing smoother transitions between ideas to enhance the flow of your essay. Linking words and phrases can be more varied to avoid repetition.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant but could be more specific and detailed. This will strengthen your arguments and show a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and improve sentence structure, which can occasionally be slightly awkward. Proofreading or using more complex sentence structures could help.
task achievement
Your essay showcases a clear understanding of both sides of the argument, and you effectively articulate your stance, which is crucial for a high score in task achievement.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your points, which helps to illustrate and substantiate your arguments well.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This aids in the reader's comprehension and keeps the essay organized.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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