IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that the government should make laws regarding nutrition and healthy lifestyle, while others think that it is a matter of personal choice and personal responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There are discussions about, some
people
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 saying that the
government
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 should impose on citizens a healthy
lifestyle
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.
whereas
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, others believe that it is an individual choice that can not be interfered with. But the real question is, if the
government
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 makes
this
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 decision is it beneficial to these
people
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?
government
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 should encourage their citizens on
lifestyle
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instead
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 of imposing them because it is difficult to control all the
people
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 in the city even if the
government
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 imposed tax or fines
this
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 can impact society in a negative way. The
government
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 can
interested
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be interested
show examples
 in healthy lifestyles. like, providing clubs in different areas with affordable prices
also
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 offers or discounts on healthy food.
For example
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, in Saudi Arabia
government
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 created places specially for walking with all tools for exercise. Sometimes
people
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 do not have the motivation or insistence for a healthy
lifestyle
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. To be more specific, their
lifestyle
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 has wrong habits
such
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 as too much fat and eating in large quantities without any control.
As well as
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 personal solutions have more effectiveness than
government
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 rules because sometimes health awareness could be more effective in behaviour changes.
For instance
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, an awareness campaign about the dangers of smoking
,
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apply
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 may encourage a lot of
people
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 to quit smoking rather than smoking strongly banned by the
government
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. In conclusion, it is hard to impose
people
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 on a healthy
lifestyle
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however
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, there are various ways to encourage the community about healthy. So in my perspective, a healthy
lifestyle
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 is a personal choice but with the help of
government
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, we can increase the percentage of healthy
people
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.

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task achievement
Although the essay presents both sides of the argument, it can be improved by providing deeper analysis and clearer articulation of ideas. For instance, explore specific reasons why government-imposed regulations may or may not be effective.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas more logically. Improve transitions between sentences to maintain a smooth flow. For example, rather than starting a sentence with 'Like', consider transitioning ideas by saying 'For example' or similar linking phrases
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, encapsulating the main ideas and stance effectively.
task achievement
The use of real-life examples, such as the case in Saudi Arabia, strengthens the argument by providing concrete illustrations of points discussed.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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