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Band 7.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #music #cultures #ages
Music
 is a universal language understood by all. It is argued that
music
 is a suitable way to gather
people
 from various nationalities and ages together. I completely agree with
this
 statement because
music
 can convey a message and different
people
 can gather in musical concerts to have fun. On the one hand,
music
 is a language that can convey its sense through its rhythm, and the majority of
people
 understand it. Most of the time in countries’ revolutions artists try to present their protests through their songs. These songs could convey the citizens’ sorrows and problems to the other nations without breaking any laws.
As a result
, individuals from other nationalities might deliver their messages to other governments in order to ask for help.
Besides
, today, thanks to social media, revolutionary
music
 becomes viral in less than an hour, and the whole world understands about one’s issues,
this
 may prevent the government’s bullying.
On the other hand
,
music
 concerts are the most popular events which are held in different parts of the world. These kinds of recreational activities cause
people
 from different nationalities and ages to come together and spend some quality time in a peaceful place.
For example
, the famous Eras Tour of Taylor Swift was able to sell her tickets to thousands of
people
 from young to old, and provide them unforgettable moments.
Moreover
, there are lots of musical events that represent the traditional
music
 of some areas. These exhibitions are able to revive the die-out
music
 and attract some global attention to their culture.
This
 might create more connections between individuals and their history. In conclusion,
music
 has some secret and strong elements. In my opinion,
music
 can save a nation from its dictator government by increasing the world’s awareness, and it has the power to bring
people
 together and eliminate boundaries.
Submitted by Negar_seddigh on

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coherence cohesion
To improve clarity and coherence, some minor grammatical and punctuation issues should be addressed. For example, sentences like 'the whole world understands about one’s issues' would be clearer if rewritten as 'the whole world becomes aware of one's issues'.
task achievement
While the arguments presented are relevant, incorporating more varied and nuanced examples could strengthen your essay. For instance, besides concerts and revolutionary songs, including other forms such as traditional folk music or global collaborations can add depth.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with a strong introduction and conclusion that ties the main points together effectively. This demonstrates good control of essay organization.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt completely, providing specific examples and clear ideas to support the main argument. This shows a comprehensive approach to the task.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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