The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that thebest way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, the increasing number of obese population is really putting some pressure on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved.
However
, some of them think that this
problem can be easily tackled by the introduction of health lessons in the school curriculum, I disagree with this
thought.
Firstly
, there are a lot of sugar products and junk food easily available at arm's stretch at a very affordable price. The government should increase the price of these non-healthy products and reduce the prices of healthy products such
as salads, proteins, fruits and vegetables in order to encourage people
towards a healthy lifestyle. People
should get more access to healthy food at an affordable price.
On the other hand
, there are a lot of schools where the students have a provision of physical education as a subject in their curriculum perhaps not many of them take it seriously as it is considered to be a fun lecture for the young minds who do not understand the logic and motive behind the subject. I believe the enlightenment of knowledge starts at home, school and the company people
keep. The government must conduct events for health awareness at schools, community centres, etc. to educate not only young people
but also
adults about leading a healthy lifestyle.
Therefore
, in conclusion, there has been a tremendous increase in the number of obese people
and it is indeed putting a lot of strain on the healthcare system but I do not completely agree that introducing more physical education lessons in school will solve this
issue.Submitted by ruchishah0 on
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task achievement
While your essay addresses the prompt and offers a clear stance, it could benefit from a deeper exploration of your points. For example, providing more specific examples and expanding on how these solutions will directly impact behavior could add weight to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, some ideas could be better connected and elaborated upon. For instance, the relationship between the pricing of healthy vs. unhealthy foods and obesity could be more explicitly linked.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively summarize your stance, providing a good framework for your discussion.
task achievement
Your essay presents relevant ideas and demonstrates a good understanding of the topic by addressing multiple aspects of the issue.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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