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Writing Samples /
Band 6

The pie chart illustrates the proportion of persons who are captured and the bar chart illustrates the reason why they are captured in the five years ending 1994 .

The pie chart illustrates the proportion of persons who are captured and the bar chart illustrates the reason why they are captured in the five years ending 1994 .
#proportion #persons #bar #reason #five #years
The pie chart illustrates information about the
rate
 of
who
Change the pronoun
whom
show examples
 the persons are captured and the bar chart shows the reason why they
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 captured in
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 five years. From an
overall
perspctive
Correct your spelling
perspective
, it can be clearly seen that the highest proportion of
rate
Add an article
the rate
show examples
 of
males
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
arrested is 32% over the period
ginen
Correct your spelling
given
,
while
 the lowest percentage of the arrested by females is 9%, the other
rate
 is not arrested 68% man and 91% women. Looking at the bar chart in more detail, in the reasons for most recent arrests between the females and
males
.
However
, the most
Correct word choice
common reasons
show examples
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
 for women is public drinking
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
proportion
38
Change preposition
to 38
show examples
%
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the other hand 30% for
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
.
Also
 the
lowet
Correct your spelling
low
rate
 with no answer,
an the
Choose an article
a
the
show examples
drink
Replace the word
drunk
show examples
 driving the
males
Change to a genitive case
male's
males'
show examples
rate
 is higher
the
Change preposition
than the
show examples
 females in proportion 13%.
In
Change preposition
For
show examples
 assault and other
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
reason
Add a comma
reason,
show examples
 it is almost the
seem
Correct your spelling
same
show examples
rate
.
to sum up
, the
males
 have the
higher
Correct word choice
highest
show examples
rate
 in the most
rate
.
Submitted by omar.d.alzahrany on

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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 85%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words rate, males with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "illustrates" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
▼

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Incarceration
  • Proportion
  • Pie chart
  • Bar chart
  • Demographic data
  • Socioeconomic factors
  • Correctional facilities
  • Legislation
  • Criminal justice system
  • Crime rate
  • Felony
  • Misdemeanor
  • Recidivism
  • Deterrence
  • Rehabilitation
  • Policy makers
  • Law enforcement agencies
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