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Band 7

Essay topics: Some people think that the government should give money to creative people, such as artists and musicians. To what extent do you agree?

#topics #people #government #money #artists #musicians
The desire to show off talents and be well-known has produced inventive individuals like
artists
 and musicians. Having provided entertainment and music for normal people to enjoy, whether creative people should be given money from the authorities is one of the burning topics that was ignited and kept until now.
This
 essay disagrees with
this
 and will explain the reasons. Advocates of the agreeing side argue that funds offered by the government will assist
artists
 to continue their projects and plan bigger things. They have the most influence on the world and with the help of money, they would be able to spread their positive messages and make the world a better place by their specific talents.
Furthermore
, they are the main soul of entertainment. Without them, the world would be a more tedious place.
However
,
this
 point overlooks potential risks that could lead to countries' instability.
However
, I posit that spending a budget on
artists
 seems to be a meaningless task. Despite the listed benefits,
this
 might be unlikely for some poor countries owing to the fact that more critical problems
such
 as mass famine, the expansion of shantytowns, malnutrition among children and so on should be taken priority and solved first. Helping influencers first means worsening the country's state.
Moreover
, lies in the troupe are some bad ones, who, with the help of funds that governments provide, could spread detrimental influence, which culminated in many people imitating bad behaviours.
To sum up
,
while
 subsidizing
artists
 can be a beneficial act, it is more pivotal that it is not
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
recommended. In lieu of that, more dangerous problems that need action should be done first to stabilize the country.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and presents a clear opinion, which is good. However, some points could be further expanded to provide a more comprehensive response. For instance, discuss specific examples or case studies to support your argument more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your ideas flow smoothly from one to the next. There are a few places where the transition between ideas could be improved to enhance readability. Using linking words can help maintain the reader's interest and ensure clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This helps the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
You clearly state your opinion and address the main points on both sides of the argument. This demonstrates a balanced approach and understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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