IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Governments should focus their spending on public sevices rather than on the arts (eg. music and painting) To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#governments #focus #sevices #arts #eg #music
It is recommended that most governments should pay more attention to the expenditure on public amenities
instead
 of spending on music and painting. It is the opinion of
this
 writer that the expense of
services
 in public can improve the living standard and have more satisfaction from
residents
. It is vital to understand that when governments pay more
money
 for some public
services
, they can meet the most basic necessities of their inhabitants.
For
this
 reason, their living standards are more improved and higher day by day.
Moreover
, they may have a fulfilled life after using good and convenient
services
 in public.
By contrast
, it will not be completely useful if governments concentrate on spending on decorating some art to only attract and impression their
residents
.
As a result
, the expenditure on public amenities plays an essential role in each person's life and there is no amount of wasted
money
 in
this
 field. It is
also
 considered that
residents
 inclined towards spending more
money
 on public service can be satisfied with their lives. They
also
 strongly believe that they get more enjoyment from convenient and suitable
services
 before they contribute to their society in any way. The more satisfied
residents
 feel, the better and more perfect the living quality in each country is.
Consequently
, the recognition from each individual brings more motivation for all countries to try to enhance in all fields. Taking all points into account, the writer states that the connection between the expense of public amenities benefits improvement in high living quality and more
satisfied
Replace the word
satisfaction
show examples
 and
approved
Replace the word
approval
show examples
 of
residents
.
Hence
, the government in each country should focus on paying more
money
 to public
services
 rather than the works in the art area.
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task achievement
The essay demonstrates a fair attempt to address the topic but could benefit from being clearer about specific examples of public services and their benefits. Including more concrete and relevant examples would strengthen the arguments.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are slightly awkward or unclear. Ensure that each sentence clearly conveys the intended meaning. Proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity can help.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from a clearer logical progression between paragraphs. Try to make sure each paragraph flows smoothly from one to the next with linking sentences or phrases.
introduction conclusion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the main arguments.
supported main points
The main points are supported with reasonable arguments, even if specific examples are lacking.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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