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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

More and more people are relying on the private car as their major means of transportation. Describe some of the problems over-relinace on cars can cause, and suggest at least one possible solution Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

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Introduction
The private
car
Use synonyms
 as their course means of
transportation
Use synonyms
 is relied on by most of the
people
Use synonyms
. Nowadays, the amount of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
show examples
 will
increase
Use synonyms
 and it will
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
 more impact
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will envoy about problem and solution for
people
Use synonyms
 who use a
car
Use synonyms
 as
private
Add an article
a private
show examples
car
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Based on data
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
Ministry
Correct article usage
the Ministry
show examples
 of
Transportation
Use synonyms
 of Indonesia shows
about
Change preposition
that
show examples
 every year the percentage
private
Change preposition
of private
show examples
car
Use synonyms
 gradually
increase
Use synonyms
 in Indonesia. Especially for
people
Use synonyms
 alive in the city,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are
as employment
Wrong verb form
employed
show examples
 and often move from
area
Correct pronoun usage
one area
show examples
 to
other area
Change the wording
another area
other areas
show examples
. One of the big
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 is the
car
Use synonyms
giving
Wrong verb form
gives
show examples
protect
Replace the word
protection
show examples
 and
comfortable
Replace the word
comfort
show examples
 for him. Actually, the fuel
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
produced by
Use synonyms
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
show examples
 can give disadvantages
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
Correct article usage
the environtment
show examples
environtment
Correct your spelling
environment
 like
rose
Wrong verb form
rising
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
carbon monoxide and climate change. On the other impact is making crowded on the way
due to
Linking Words
 almost of
people
Use synonyms
use
Wrong verb form
using
show examples
 private
Use synonyms
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
show examples
 alone
not
Correct word choice
and not
show examples
invite
Wrong verb form
inviting
show examples
 other
people
Use synonyms
. It
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
make
Verb problem
creates
show examples
 a gap
society
Change preposition
in society
show examples
among
Change preposition
between
show examples
 rich and poor
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 like in
village
Add an article
the village
a village
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
Abosolutely
Correct your spelling
Absolutely
, the
Government
Use synonyms
 should be concerned about
this
Linking Words
problems
Fix the agreement mistake
problem
show examples
. There are many
solution
Change to a plural noun
solutions
show examples
 for
reduce
Wrong verb form
reducing
show examples
 using private
Use synonyms
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the
Government
Use synonyms
 need to make a policy about
number
Add an article
the number
a number
show examples
 in every private
car
Use synonyms
 when driving on the way.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 the
people
Use synonyms
 can’t use
Use synonyms
car
Correct article usage
a car
show examples
 alone and have to invite
minimum
Correct article usage
a minimum
show examples
4
Change preposition
of 4
show examples
person
Change to a plural noun
people
show examples
 in a private
car
Use synonyms
. If
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 are violated
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the
Government
Use synonyms
 give punishment both of pay money
or
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 social punishment.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the quality and quantity should
increase
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 the
people
Use synonyms
 will interest
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 using public
transportation
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
, the
Government
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 give a good example to
netizen
Fix the agreement mistake
netizens
show examples
 like using
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
transportation
Use synonyms
 every day.
Conclusion
In
conclussion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, the percentage of
private
Add an article
the private
show examples
Use synonyms
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
show examples
 rose and
give
Wrong verb form
gave
show examples
 more
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
.
Then
Linking Words
, the
Government
Use synonyms
 must make a decision about
retrictions
Correct your spelling
restrictions
 using private
Use synonyms
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
show examples
. In
prediction
Add a comma
prediction,
show examples
 the private
car
Use synonyms
 will
increase
Use synonyms
 especially in the city.

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Grammar and Sentence Structure
Work on grammatical accuracy and sentence structure to improve readability.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance the logical structure by ensuring each paragraph flows smoothly into the next with appropriate linking words and phrases.
Task Achievement
Expand on the main points with more detailed explanations and relevant examples to strengthen your arguments.
Language Use & Vocabulary
Use a more formal tone, and ensure to use topic-specific vocabulary correctly to elevate the quality of the essay.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing the problems of over-reliance on cars and suggesting solutions, demonstrating a reasonable understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
An introduction and a conclusion are present, which helps in giving the essay a clear structure.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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