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Band 3.5

Many people today choose to take part in extreme sports (e.g. skydiving, rock climbing). Why do you think people want to do these sports? Who do you think should pay if people injure themselves while doing an extreme sport?

#people #part #sports #e #g #rock #sport
Nowadays a routine lifestyle has bored lots of people all around the world. It means that many individuals prefer to experience something different, by which, they could feel more excited. Humans can be exhausted of casual life,
therefore
such
 adventures are crucial. In my opinion, the main reason some people experience
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of activities is to be revived by amazing and interesting affairs.
For example
, they enrol for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
parachuting from
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 height which approximately
reaches
Verb problem
apply
show examples
1000 metres, merely to experience adrenaline and to feel they are brave enough. I think it's not a good idea to put precious life in trouble,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 some excitement is
also
 necessary to avoid a boring daily routine. Unfortunately, we hear a lot of bad news about accidents and crushes which occur in
such
 breath-taking areas.
For instance
,
well-known
Add an article
the well-known
a well-known
show examples
 person
got
Verb problem
had
show examples
heart
Correct article usage
a heart
show examples
 attack during kite-running and sadly passed away. Another example is my acquaintance
broke
Correct pronoun usage
who broke
show examples
 his leg
while
 mountain cycling. There are some reasons we should be aware of the drawbacks of
this
 lifestyle. In conclusion, having fun and activities apart from work is recommended but when it comes to life-threatening performance, we must cancel it and try other things
such
 as cycling, running,
yoga
Correct word choice
and yoga
show examples
. It is predicted, in the future, with
aid
Correct article usage
the aid
show examples
 of developing technologies, we can specialise
Change preposition
in equipments
show examples
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 for
such
 purposes and prevent harmful events.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt and provides reasons and examples related to why people participate in extreme sports. To improve, you could strengthen your examples by making them more relevant and specific. For instance, providing data or more detailed personal anecdotes would enhance your argument.
coherence cohesion
To improve your coherence and cohesion, work on ensuring each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. Your introduction and conclusion are present, which is good, but consider refining your transitions between points for greater clarity and a smoother read.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a conclusion that summarises your main points effectively.
task achievement
The essay provides logical reasons for why people engage in extreme sports and acknowledges the risks involved.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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