IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Traffic and housing problems could be solved by moving large companies, factories, and their employees to the countryside. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is commonly believed by many that many social issues
such
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 as traffic jams and accommodation will be tackled easily by relocating industrial spaces to outskirt zones. The writer of
this
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 essay,
however
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, remains unconvinced by
this
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 school of thought because of the improvement in local infrastructure
coupled with
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 the rising population in the countryside.
Initially
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, it is crucial to acknowledge that when moving large companies and factories to the local
areas
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,
this
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 means the infrastructure there has to be advanced concurrently. As a part of the relocating developments, employers or headers must enhance the transportation from their previous locations in metropolises to new positions in the surroundings to deliver or transport,
thus
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 advancing the infrastructure system
such
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 as roads and highways.
As a result
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,
this
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 cannot mitigate the heavy traffic congestion in cities,
however
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, leading local people to deal with
this
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 problem. Specifically, Vietnam is a prime example of
this
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, where governments decide to relocate industrial zones in Ho Chi Minh City to local
areas
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 and build up many private highways for companies,
consequently
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 resulting in severe traffic problems in outskirts
such
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 as Cu Chi Province.
Additionally
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, the overpopulation in the countryside must be taken into consideration when it comes to the relocation of industrial companies.
This
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 is because individuals opt for living in metropolitan sections to acquire better job prospects, be paid higher levels of income, and adopt a wealthy lifestyle, which is readily impossible for people living in their hometowns and engaging in labour-based occupations, especially in agriculture.
For
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this
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 reason, should successful organizations be moved to local
areas
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, there will be countless job opportunities for these individuals.
Therefore
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, a larger amount of them will decide to reside in the countryside which is the primary cause of the population explosion,
thus
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 leading to other social issues
such
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 as the disparity in the level of salary among different
areas
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. In conclusion, it has been demonstrated that accommodation and transportation problems definitely will not be alleviated by the projects of relocating organizations. It is,
in addition
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, apparent that these schemes just lead these issues to become more severe in not only urban but
also
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 rural
areas
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
You have presented a well-structured essay with clear points and relevant examples. However, ensure that your points are fully elaborated for an even clearer understanding of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to maintain a balance between sophisticated vocabulary and clarity to ensure better comprehension of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your stance and sets the stage for the essay. This provides a strong foundation for your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates logical flow and structure, making it easy to follow your arguments from one point to the next.
task achievement
You have effectively used relevant examples, such as the case of Vietnam, to support your points. This strengthens your arguments and adds credibility.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • traffic congestion
  • housing problems
  • countryside
  • large companies
  • factories
  • employees
  • urban areas
  • land availability
  • relocate
  • stimulate economic development
  • challenges
  • infrastructure
  • transportation
  • rural areas
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