IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some children spend hours every day on their phones. Why is that case? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #phones #case #development
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These days, youngsters waste hours every
day
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 on electronic devices because of the attraction of social media and lots of
games
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. To my way of thinking, it is a negative development for offspring and affects their health, learning and future. First of all, there are many types of apps, social networking sites or
games
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 on the phone so that
children
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 can approach and use them. Obviously, software developers always find a way to lure the
children
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 who account for the majority of usage.
Moreover
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,
games
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 and social networking sites should be addictive substances because its graphics, variation in information and a huge community for chatting and connecting with others.
For instance
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, Facebook is a diverse social networking site that captures millions of users worldwide.
As a result
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, more and more offspring spend a lot of time every
day
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 on their contact.
On the other hand
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, using electronic devices too much can prevent offspring from studying and affect their future and health. Eyes can easily be wounded by electronic apparatus so if offspring use it a lot, they will have sore eyes.
Besides
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, spending hours using phones is
also
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 a main reason of distracted from studying. Calls are just devices for everyone to relax after a busy
day
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 but some
children
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 take advantage of using dial to play
games
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 or chat with friends.
Hence
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, their studying will be declined, if they depend on their dial too much. In conclusion, the tendency to spend hours every
day
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 on phones is caused by the attraction of
games
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 and social networks. Personally, I believe
this
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 problem can be overcome by their parents, teachers or adults to expand
children
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 in a perfect way.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports a single main idea. For example, the first paragraph mixes the reasons for children spending hours on their phones with the negative consequences, causing some confusion.
task achievement
Develop more specific and relevant examples to support your points. For instance, provide detailed instances of how children's health and academic performance can be negatively impacted by excessive phone use.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Use more linking words and phrases to guide the reader smoothly through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps provide a smooth framework for your argument.
task achievement
You have addressed the prompt by identifying the reasons why children spend hours on their phones and stating your view that it is a negative development.
task achievement
The ideas presented are relevant and cover the key points raised by the prompt, such as the negative effects on health and study.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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