IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together.

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One of the effective
method
Fix the agreement mistake
methods
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 to attract
people
Use synonyms
 from various countries and ages is
music
Use synonyms
,
according to
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
's beliefs. In my opinion, I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement for several reasons.
firstly
Linking Words
, there are a lot of causes why
music
Use synonyms
 is an effective way to bring
people
Use synonyms
 from different ages and
cultures
Use synonyms
. Most
people
Use synonyms
 around the world like
music
Use synonyms
, and it has an indirect effect on individuals.
This
Linking Words
 effect has contributed to an increased number of
people
Use synonyms
 attracted to other communities.
In addition
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,
music
Use synonyms
 does not require significant effort and high cost, so it is a good option to bring a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 who have various
cultures
Use synonyms
. The process of producing
music
Use synonyms
 does not take a long time and does not require much money.
for example
Linking Words
, my friend works in a production company, he said the cost of producing
music
Use synonyms
 is around $ 2500.
Also
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,
music
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 has a large number of kinds
such
Linking Words
 as classic and modern, so it caters to all ages and
cultures
Use synonyms
.
This
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 diversity is very useful in motivating
people
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 to get closer to each other.
for instance
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, children and teenagers tend to modern
music
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 adults like a classic.
Furthermore
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, each country has an official
music
Use synonyms
 because it plays an important role in communication between
people
Use synonyms
. Most governments care about
music
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 it is a tool to bring
people
Use synonyms
 together and create homogeneity in society. Many countries utilize
music
Use synonyms
 as a marketing tool to spread their
cultures
Use synonyms
 to the world. In conclusion,
music
Use synonyms
 is one way to attract
people
Use synonyms
 from different classes and I totally agree with the statement for a large number of reasons.

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introduction
Consider revising the introduction to make it more engaging and assertive. You mention you 'completely agree with this statement for several reasons,' but it would be stronger to state why or how immediately.
grammar
Pay attention to capitalization, especially at the beginning of sentences. For example, 'firstly' and 'for example' should be capitalized.
variety
Some sentences are repetitive. Instead of saying, 'music is one way to attract people from different classes,' consider using synonyms or rephrasing the ideas to maintain the reader's interest.
specific examples
The essay has relevant examples, but they could be more specific. For instance, 'my friend works in a production company' could specify what kind of music production it is—pop, classical, etc. This would make the example more vivid and relatable.
linking phrases
Use more linking phrases to ensure seamless transitions between and within paragraphs. For example, 'In addition,' 'Furthermore,' and 'Moreover' could be used more effectively to connect ideas.
idea development
The essay provides a comprehensive list of reasons why music can bring people together, showcasing an understanding of the topic.
organization
The structure of the essay is clear, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
examples
Your use of specific examples, like the cost of producing music, shows a practical understanding of the subject. Well done!

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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