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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

At present times, the population of some countries include a relative number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantage outweigh the disadvantages?

#times #population #countries #adults #people #advantage
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many countries have sophisticated statistics to compare the
number
Use synonyms
 of citizens between the older and the younger generations. From my perspective, I agree with
this
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 notion as there are plenty of merits that will give us more than demerits and my supporting reasons will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching a conclusion. At the outset, there are several benefits of comparing the
number
Use synonyms
 of people between ages and one of the most significant is to raise awareness of governments. To elaborate
further
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, when authorities notice
this
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 problem, they will find ways to initiate plans that can tackle it promptly.
Moreover
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, they can convey information about positive and negative effects to their individuals in order to cope with situations directly. An apt illustration of
this
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 is that in Japan,
due to
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 a decrease in
birth
Correct article usage
the birth
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 rate, authorities are now finding ways to solve problems that are likely to happen in the near future. In the meantime, they trying to organise a
number
Use synonyms
 of events
such
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 as seminars,
communities'
Change noun form
communities
show examples
 meetings, etc. that can inform the public about the drawbacks of
this
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 issue.
Additionally
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, another clear upside is that it affects the economy of that country. To explain in greater detail, the
number
Use synonyms
 of citizens can relate to the future of the workforce will decrease or increase.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, if statistics illustrate that the total of young people is more than elderly people, it means the unemployment rate in the future will rocket up significantly. To specifically demonstrate, in China, the government already shows that the birth rate in their country is dramatically rising with a prediction in the next five years, it will rise
to
Change preposition
apply
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more than 10 times compared to the present.
Hence
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, as there will be tons of individuals who will be on a dole and unemployed which contribute to the government needs to give them benefits by allocating some budget from other sections. All in all, it is a fact that including a relative
number
Use synonyms
 of the new and the older
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
show examples
 is measured in some countries. From my point of view,
it is clear that
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advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 of
this
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 idea outweigh
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
 because it can raise governments' awareness to solve
this
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 problem.
Besides
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,
this
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 issue affects the economy directly and
hence
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 studying and learning them early will only bring benefits to our countries.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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Task Response
To enhance the Task Response score, ensure your argument clearly addresses whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Currently, the essay leans more towards discussing the benefits of comparing population statistics rather than focusing on whether having a higher number of young adults compared to older adults is advantageous or not.
Coherence and Cohesion
For better Coherence and Cohesion, work on improving the logical connection between points. While the essay is well-structured, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Consider using more diverse linking phrases and ensuring each paragraph flows logically into the next.
Task Response
Your essay provides relevant, specific examples that support the main points. This is crucial for illustrating and bolstering your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and serve their purposes well, framing your argument effectively.
General
Your points are clearly articulated and the essay maintains good readability, making your ideas easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic shift
  • dependency ratio
  • economic growth
  • public resources
  • workforce
  • healthcare and pensions
  • innovation
  • technological advancements
  • dynamic culture
  • social unrest
  • skills development
  • progressive policies
  • inclusive society
  • generational tensions
What to do next:
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