IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that advertisements aimed at children should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #advertisements #children
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Recently consequences of
advertisements
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 targeted at
children
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 have been a hotly debated topic
due to
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 their negative influences. It is a common belief that commercial marketing focusing on
children
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 should be forbidden. From my perspective, I firmly support
this
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 view because of some disadvantages of advertising for kids.
To begin
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 with, the ubiquity of unhealthy
advertisements
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 tends to harm
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children’s
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 lifestyles. The reason is that
this
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 age group is highly curious and lacks knowledge.
Therefore
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,
children
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 easily believe in pieces of information from
advertisements
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as well as
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 be exploited to make inaccurate decisions.
For example
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, there is more and more obesity in the offspring because one of the most popular current
advertisements
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 is fast food, soda, and snacks. Another point worth mentioning is that marketing to
children
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 can lead to them pleading with their caretakers who are capable of earning income and spending. Unfortunately, not buying
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children’s
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 toys may be able to cause resentment in the relationship due the disapproval from caretakers.
According to
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 psychological studies, if
this
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 situation is repeated enough, it will
instill
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instil
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 in
children
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 a sense of neglect
as well as
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that
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that child
those children
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children
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 who have been ignored perform worse in cognitive tasks than those who not have. In conclusion, commercial marketing focusing on
children
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 not only causes a negative impact on
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children’s
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 lifestyles but
also
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 damages
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children’s
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 relationships with their parents.
Consequently
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, I totally agree with the prohibition of
advertisements
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 that target
children
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.
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task achievement
Your main arguments are clear and well-explained. However, further elaboration and more specific examples would strengthen your points. For instance, you can discuss specific studies or statistics related to the impact of advertisements on children's health and behavior.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of your essay. Linking sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help in creating a more cohesive structure.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and concise, giving a strong frame to your essay.
logical structure
The essay is logically structured with each paragraph discussing a distinct point related to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Pester power
  • Impressionable
  • Materialism
  • Consumerism
  • Exploitative
  • Obesity
  • Censorship
  • Regulation
  • Junk food
  • Economic implications
  • Parental responsibility
  • Critical thinking
  • Freedom of expression
  • Ethical advertising
  • Social messages
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