IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individuals. To what extent to do you agree or disgaree ?

#people #purpose #schools #children #citizens #workers #benefit #individuals #disgaree
It is sometimes said that traditional educational systems should aim to create well-behaved residents and employees, leaving the individual needs of its
students
 aside. I disagree with
this
 viewpoint because I believe that for a young person to contribute meaningfully to his society, it is vital that we put him in a learning environment that centres around his personal needs. The primary goal of schooling should focus on cultivating a strong sense of autonomy in its
students
.
For instance
, the ability to think critically about everyday situations is profoundly important. Every content, no matter how well-structured it is, can have a way of making itself into real life. Take math for an example.
Students
 should not only learn complex math formulas but
also
 get used to the practice of using one or two of them to make sense of a familiar phenomenon around them. The use of arithmetic in the work of a cashier is a common case where
students
 can see how math is useful in the practical world. Transferring academic knowledge into daily life applications is one of the best ways that educators can do to add value to their learners. That said, from
such
 a solid foundation of individuality, teachers can
then
 foster a spirit of serving in their children's minds. Specifically, they can encourage learners to brainstorm ways in which a piece of knowledge can help other members of the community.
This
 approach will not only result in more positive and sustainable societal outcomes but
also
 minimize resentment in people as they enter the workforce
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because the career they choose indeed started from a real interest that was nurtured during their school years.
Hence
, educational officials should attend to both the personal goals and societal goals of their learners if the ultimate purpose of education is to create moral and qualified members of society and companies. Taken together, I believe that the most important objective of education is to help a person grow autonomously first. Only after
such
 a mission is achieved,
students
 can fully absorb the sense of societal responsibility and become truly valuable contributors to the country.
Submitted by phamthithuytien.pd on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide some alternative viewpoints to demonstrate a balanced argument. Addressing counterarguments can show deep understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Develop the examples a bit more to connect them clearly to the main points. This will strengthen the overall argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas cohesively.
general
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Logical progression of ideas is evident throughout the essay. Each paragraph serves its purpose well.
task achievement
The main points are well-supported by specific examples, making the arguments compelling.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!