IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

ome children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Nowadays
children
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 spend much
time
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 using their cutting-edge smartphones for various reasons. From my point of view, it is a negative case and might lead to damaging consequences. In
this
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 essay, reasons for
this
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 growing trend and its drawbacks will be explored. It is undeniable that state-of-the-art phones offer some amazing
games
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 to attract
children
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.
Children
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 are exposed to numerous
games
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 that they lose track of
time
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while
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 playing.
Also
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, there are not enough infrastructures for
children
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 to play physical
games
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.
For example
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, it is stated that
children
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 in bustling cities suffer from a lack of appropriate playgrounds or sports facilities. So, they do not have a choice but to utilize their phones.,
Additionally
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, parents do not allow
children
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 to go out for their safety because the authorities have not considered security measures in some neighbourhoods.
however
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,
this
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 phenomenon might have devasting effects on
children
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. First of all, it can result in losing communication skills. When
children
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 spend the whole day playing with cell phones, they do not talk with their parents or friends.
Therefore
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, they will not be into socializing with other people in the future.
For instance
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, it was written in a well-known psychological book that most of those who used to have an isolated life in their childhoods, could not make a good relationship with their spouses.
In addition
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, spending too much
time
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 playing online
games
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 leads to some mental and physical problems
such
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 as depression, stress, eyesight, and obesity.
This
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 is because of a lack of physical activity. In conclusion,
children
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 tend to spend much
time
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 on their smartphones
due to
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 their attractions, lack of facilities, and security. Unfortunately, that can destroy
children
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’s communication skills and lead to some diseases like overweight and anxiety.

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task achievement
Enhance your arguments by providing more specific examples and evidence to support your points. This will help make your essay more persuasive and grounded.
task achievement
Aim for a more diverse use of vocabulary and sentence structures to better convey your thoughts and maintain the reader's interest.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs and within paragraphs to make your ideas connect more seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistency in using capital letters, especially at the beginning of sentences or for proper nouns.
task achievement
The essay directly addresses the topic and provides clear reasons and consequences, demonstrating a strong understanding of the subject matter.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is clear, with an introduction and conclusion, and each paragraph addresses distinct points.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant points about the negative effects of excessive smartphone use, such as deteriorating communication skills and health issues.
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