IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.

#countries #teenagers #jobs #students #idea #support
In the modern world, workers in teenage age are on the rise. Even teenagers should not
work
 a lot because of their mental and physical health. I think that
this
 is a good idea to employ youngsters
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
.
It is clear that
 some adolescents need to
work
 to help their families and to grow their experiences in a field of their majority. First and foremost, juveniles are working to help their parents. Because a huge amount of families are not able to provide for
children
Correct pronoun usage
their children
show examples
 and pay for their educational fees.
For
this
 reason, countries,
such
 as the USA, the UK,
Canada
Correct word choice
and Canada
show examples
, let young people
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
take student
debts
Fix the agreement mistake
debt
show examples
 and
work
while
Change preposition
during
show examples
 their classes.
Additionally
, universities like Yale, Princeton and Lynn have their own pre-university jobs to assist them
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
render
Verb problem
paying
show examples
 the bills.
Therefore
, I agree that some teenagers need to have a job
while
 they are students.
Furthermore
, youngsters are wanting to increase their experience in the sphere of their studies.
For instance
, students need to have
work
 experience to be accepted
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 their desirous universities abroad.
Thus
 developing countries are practicing to have teenage workers in their companies or organizations. It becomes clear that governments should allow adolescents to have a post.
This
 shows that helping
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their families and
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 practice in their classes obligate young people to
work
.
Accordingly
Add a comma
Accordingly,
show examples
 I agree that employing them to place is a good idea.
Submitted by zhanelsakhimova on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic and provides relevant reasons to support it. However, try to strengthen your arguments with more detailed examples and elaborate on your points for added clarity.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next to improve the coherence of your essay. Using linking words such as 'Moreover' or 'Additionally' can help create a more logical flow.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally clear, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that can be improved. Consider proofreading your work and possibly using language tools to check for errors.
coherence cohesion
Your essay structure is clear, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
The reasons provided to support your opinion are relevant to the topic and clearly stated.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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