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Band 6

The charts below avarege age of men and women retired from work in 7 countries in 2004 and 2008.

#avarege #age #men #women #work #countries
The bar charts illustrate the data about the
retirement
age
 of males and
females
 from work in 7 different countries between 2004 and 2008.
Overall
, it can be seen that the figures for
retirement
 in all of the countries had a number of
females
 higher than males with the exception of
females
 in Italy in 2004.
In addition
, the database of men in Italy between 2004 and 2008 was the same data. Looking at the bar chart, in Germany and Denmark, it had the same distance between the figures for
retirement
 in males from 2004 to 2008 with 60 and 61, 59 and 60
ages
 respectively.
Moreover
, in France, Sweden and the UK, it
also
havs
Correct your spelling
has
 the same date of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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retired over a period of 4 years starting from 2004 with 58.5 and 59, 63 and 63.5, 61 and 61.7
ages
 specifically. The Netherlands was the country where men were retired at 62
ages
 in 2004 and 62.2
ages
 in 2008.
Finally
, in Italy, the
retirement
 in men from 2004 to 2008 was the same with 58
ages
.
In addition
, the average
retirement
age
 of
females
 in 2004 was lower than nearly 1
age
 in 2008. Netherlands, Sweden and the UK had the average
retirement
age
 over 60 with nearly 61 and 62, 62 and 63 and 60 and 61 respectively. Germany, Denmark and France had a median of retired women
age
 was less than 60 with 59 and 60, 58 and approximately 59, nearly 58 and exactly 58. Especially, in Italy, women retired at the
age
 of nearly 57 in 2004, but in 2008 it was just 56 years old.
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Coherence and Cohesion
Try to clearly distinguish between the descriptions of 2004 and 2008 data for better clarity, and ensure smooth transitions between them.
Task Achievement
Remember to summarize the overall trends more comprehensively in your introduction and conclusion.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your data descriptions are easily understandable and grouped logically.
Task Achievement
Strong attempt to include specific data and statistics, which enhances credibility.
Task Achievement
Good effort in covering all countries mentioned in the charts.
Coherence and Cohesion
Provided data in a fairly structured manner, aiding reader comprehension.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

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    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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