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Writing Samples
Band 7

Family members and friends caring for elderly people find it hard to spend enough time looking after them. What are the causes of this problem? What solutions can you suggest?

#members #friends #people #time
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Many individuals find it hard to fend for their elderly people even if they are members of the family and friends
caring
Verb problem
apply
show examples
. In
this
 essay, both the causes of
this
 matter and my opinion to tackle
this
 problem will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching a conclusion. At the outset, there are several reasons that affect
this
 matter directly and one of the most significant is workloads. To elaborate
further
, organisations in recent years have decided to lay their
employees
 off to reduce their costs.
Moreover
, adults who still work need to finish the leftover tasks of other individuals and deadlines have to be met. An apt illustration of
this
 is that my friend's company already unemployed people who were around 45-60 years old and all of their tasks and responsibilities were passed to my friend.
Therefore
, he needed to finish all the work on
time
 which in turn he did not have
time
 to see his mother and father. On the other side of the coin, it is undeniable that there are a number of solutions to ease and mitigate
this
 matter and the most crucial one is that companies should provide a sense of sympathy to their
employees
. to explain in greater detail, they need to find ways to increase their cash flow and hire more
staff
 to decrease workloads.
Furthermore
, implement policies to allow
employees
 to get back to their families and take good care of the older generation. To specifically demonstrate,
finally
, my friend's company saw that their
staff
 could not carry on doing all tasks to meet deadlines;
hence
, his boss changed his mind and hired more
staff
 to solve
this
 problem and more than that, he announced that he would let subordinates took a couple of days off in order to go back to their home and spent quality
time
 with their families. All in all, citizens mostly do not have
time
 to take care of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly people because they have a lot of problems
such
 as workloads in their offices.
Thus
, all organisations should provide their
staff
 with a sense of sympathy to take the burden off
employees
 and allow them to get back to golden agers.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task by discussing both the causes and solutions to the issue of inadequate elderly care by family and friends. However, improve clarity by explicitly linking back to the main task in your conclusion for a stronger finish.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph presents a clear, focused idea. Avoid introducing too many subpoints that can muddy your main argument. Keeping paragraphs concise and on-topic enhances readability.
task achievement
You provided relevant real-world examples, such as your friend's experience at work, which helps to illustrate the points you are making regarding workload pressures and the impact on elderly care.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure, starting with an introduction, followed by body paragraphs discussing the causes and solutions, and ending with a conclusion. This helps the reader follow your argument effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demanding work schedules
  • flexible working hours
  • remote work options
  • geographical distance
  • frequent communication
  • relocation
  • adequate care
  • training programs
  • workshops
  • financial constraints
  • financial assistance programs
  • tax benefits
  • emotional and physical stress
  • support groups
  • respite care services
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