IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that the personal information of violent criminals should be made available to the public. Others think that this information should be proteced. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some people argue that the private
information
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 of violent
criminals
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 should be announced to the public
while
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 others disagree.
However
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, I think the
information
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 has to be made public for common goods On one hand, when we don't publicize the personal
details
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 of
criminals
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, it can protect an innocent person from being victimized.
Also
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, if the suspect is a close person to the victim of the case, there is a chance that the victim doesn't want to be revealed which can be accompanied by a publicizing process.
For instance
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, I read a news
last
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 year that the parents of the victim of school bullying don't want the suspect to be announced.
Therefore
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,
it is clear that
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 protecting the individual
details
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 of the
criminals
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 can
also
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 protect the victims in some cases.
On the other hand
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, when the
criminals
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' personal
information
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 is available to the public, it can help raise public awareness of the crimes. By sharing the
details
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 of the
criminals
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 and their punishment, people can be aware of the social guidelines and keep themselves safe. In 2010,
for instance
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, Korea started to upload names, ages, and addresses of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sexual
criminals
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 on a public website. After the online publication of the
criminals
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'
information
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 was done, it showed a notable decrease in sexual harassment crime rates in 2012.
Thus
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, notifying the
criminals
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'
details
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 to the public seems to be an effective way of controlling the crime rates.
While
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 it is obvious that hiding the
details
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 can protect an innocent person in some cases, I personally think that the possible effect of preventing
further
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 crimes by revealing the
information
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 is much more important. In conclusion, I agree with the idea that the
criminals
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'
information
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 has to be made public.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the task, offering a balanced view of both perspectives and giving a clear opinion. However, the arguments can be further developed for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that ideas progress logically within paragraphs. Improved transitions between sentences and paragraphs will enhance readability.
task achievement
While your examples are relevant, they sometimes need more context or explanation to make them fully convincing. Try to elaborate on examples to strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
There are minor grammatical errors and a few awkward phrases. Review your sentences for grammatical accuracy and clarity to improve your score.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your essay well.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both views and provides a personal opinion, which is essential for a well-rounded response.
task achievement
The examples used are relevant and help illustrate your points effectively.
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