There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
This
essay argues that, nowadays, students
are facing overwhelming obstacles to succeeding in their education. Therefore
, some individuals believe that it is necessary to cancel recreational curricula such
as life skills, cooking, and physical exercise, as these activities tend to exhaust children
. This
allows students
to focus more intently on their studies. In my opinion, I strongly disagree with this
idea, as I believe that extracurricular activities can improve students
' corporate sense and make them healthier.On the one hand, parents and teachers have a responsibility to instill
a sense of teamwork rather than solely focusing on grades and achievements. Change the spelling
instil
Therefore
, it is the responsibility of children
's supervisors to encourage their children
to participate in sports like football, basketball, and American football, as these activities can teach them valuable teamwork skills. For example
, in developed countries such
as America, Canada, and Korea, they believe that children
with active lifestyles will be smarter and more proactive than students
who are just taking on academic subjects, especially in the future when they become adults.On the other hand
, a healthy lifestyle is vitally important for young people, particularly their spiritual well-being. For the student, extracurriculars are the only way to learn how to cook, tailor, and also
release their stress through exercise. If parents deprive their children
of stress release time, they will confront mental health problems. Consequently
, their lack of confidence led to the loss of their sunny lifestyle.In conclusion, pursuing educational success is important, but life skills and being healthy are much more important for young people. Therefore
, parents should supervise their children
living under the school's guidance.Submitted by haixiuxiaonini on
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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear stance on the issue and supports it with logical arguments. However, the introduction could be more concise. Consider shortening the first sentence to get straight to your main argument more quickly.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that your main points are supported with specific examples. You mentioned some countries and activities but could delve deeper into specific examples or studies that support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
While the essay flows well overall, some transitions between paragraphs and ideas could be smoother. Improving these transitions will help to make your essay more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your argument, but it could be strengthened by reiterating the main points more clearly. This will leave a stronger final impression on the reader.
task achievement
You effectively argue against removing non-academic subjects by emphasizing the importance of teamwork, life skills, and mental health.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.
A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).
Stick to this essay structure:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion