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Band 4.5

task2: Longer life spans and improvements in the health of older people suggest that people over the age of sixty-five can continue to live full and active lives. In what ways can society benefit from the contribution that older people can make?

#life #improvements #health #people #age #sixty-five #lives #society #benefit #contribution
Nowadays,
people
 over the age of 65 can live full and active lives, demonstrating some older
people
 who continue to
work
 to contribute to the community . Even so, they continue to
work
 to contribute to
society
 for many reasons . In
this
 essay, we will offer a few ways in which
this
 can benefit
society
. First of all, the old
people
work
 to make money and they can do anything they want with the money they earn . So, it can help them without relying on the family and
society
. As they have income, the old
people
 can spend the money on their expenses. Noticeably, they do not depend on their family, no one wants to be a burden in the family, including the elderly. In short, when old
people
work
 anywhere as officers, companies, and facilities. Almost have big benefits for
society
, because they can
be
Verb problem
meet
show examples
 meeting, share knowledge and experience with the next generations. After that,
society
 can benefit a lot thanks to a number of burdens
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 be reduced.
Along with
 that, it reduces labour pressure for young workers, so that young
people
 can develop their own abilities when
work
 is no longer too busy.
In addition
,
this
also
reducesalso
Correct your spelling
reduces also
 reduces
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health systems like
:
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 hospitals, and nursing homes,from there, if there are
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
critically ill persons who
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 to be treated, they will have a higher survival rate. In a nutshell, when
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old
people
 have a full and active life , they can bring many benefits, many benefits to
society
 by using their abilities to
work
 and reducing pressure on
society
.
Submitted by thuhong.68hnue on

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task response
The introduction clearly states the topic but can be more refined to avoid redundancy. Try to avoid repetitive phrases like 'continue to work to contribute.'
coherence cohesion
The essay should maintain a logical flow of ideas. Try using more transitional words and phrases such as 'Moreover,' 'Furthermore,' or 'Additionally' to link ideas more smoothly.
task response
Examples and main points should be more specific and detailed. For instance, mention specific roles older people could take up or specific ways they can share their experiences with the younger generation.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
The conclusion effectively summarises the main points discussed and reiterates the benefits of older people being active contributors to society.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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