IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of aging populations.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In today’s world, many developed countries are experiencing a substantial
increase
Use synonyms
 in life’s duration and that caused a big obstacle for the
government
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will illustrate major problems and possible solutions to reduce
detrimental
Correct article usage
the detrimental
show examples
 impact
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue. First of all, the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population has put a heavy burden
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the authority. The older
people
Use synonyms
 get, the more healthcare they need because elderly
people
Use synonyms
 usually have serious
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as heart attack or diabetes, which require more
money
Use synonyms
 in healthcare in order to face the
demand
Fix the agreement mistake
demands
show examples
 of
aging
Add an article
the aging
show examples
 population. Another problem is there will be an
increase
Use synonyms
 in the proportion of retired
people
Use synonyms
 claiming retirement benefits, and a big decrease in the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
 who are able to work and
make
Verb problem
apply
show examples
benefit
to
Change preposition
from
show examples
 income taxes to the country. For that reason, spending more
money
Use synonyms
 on old
people
Use synonyms
 and
get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
 less
money
Use synonyms
 from
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
makes
Verb problem
puts
show examples
 the country’s economy being chaos. The
government
Use synonyms
 should implement a variety of measures to deal with these problems. The first probable solution is to encourage young workers from other countries, which could help
increase
Use synonyms
 the country’s income and productivity. Another measure is that the
government
Use synonyms
 can
increase
Use synonyms
 the
age
Use synonyms
 for retirement, many countries set a standard pension at
age
Use synonyms
 55,
they
Correct word choice
but they
show examples
 could extend the
age
Use synonyms
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 60 or 65 years since
people
Use synonyms
 are still in a healthy and prime condition.
Finally
Linking Words
, educating
people
Use synonyms
 about the importance of spending
money
Use synonyms
 efficiently when
people
Use synonyms
 get old,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doing
this
Linking Words
, they will have a certain amount of
money
Use synonyms
 to take care of themselves without the need to depend on their children or the
government
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
financial
Correct article usage
the financial
show examples
 impact of the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population is huge, it can easily be resolved by taking certain measures like allowing immigrant workers and extending
pension
Correct article usage
the pension
show examples
age
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While your ideas are clear and you have addressed the task, try to include more specific examples or statistics to provide stronger support for your main points. This will make your arguments more convincing and grounded in reality.
overall improvement
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as 'life’s duration' instead of 'life expectancy' and 'many countries set a standard pension at age 55' instead of 'many countries set the retirement age at 55'. These small changes can improve the clarity and professionalism of your writing.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that frame your essay well, helping maintain a strong structure.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are clearly presented and logically organized, which makes the essay easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • average life expectancy
  • developed world
  • increase
  • individuals
  • society
  • personal goals
  • ambitions
  • quality of life
  • leisure
  • recreation
  • healthcare costs
  • challenges
  • healthcare system
  • ageing population
  • shortage
  • available workers
  • economy
  • retirement planning
  • healthy lifestyles
  • investing
  • social support systems
What to do next:
Look at other essays: