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Band 6.5

It is important to take risk, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

#risk #lives #risks
It is thought by a selection of individuals that
risks
 are paramount and people should take them in their lives, both professional and personal aspects. In
this
 essay, my supportive reasons will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching my conclusion which is demerits of
this
 notion totally overwhelm its merits. At the outset, it is undeniable that taking
risks
 in professional lives offers people plenty of drawbacks and
one
 of the most significant is that they will be unemployed. To elaborate
further
, some
risks
 can cause terrible and horrible effects on organisations and
therefore
 if individuals do
this
 in their companies, they might get fired immediately.
Moreover
, after doing damage to a company by taking
risks
, it will be on their record which in turn other companies tend not to employ them. An apt illustration of
this
 is that my colleague, who works as a structural engineer, decided to reduce the strength of the concrete of beams and columns and
hence
 after the building was constructed, it could not bear the distributed load from the roof and broke down, brought the whole building down too.
As a result
, she was fired the day after and it was written in her record which made all the companies that she applied for reject her CV.
Additionally
, it is a fact that it offers individuals a number of downsides and the most crucial
one
 is the stage of well-being. To explain in greater detail, it leads to bad injuries or death if risk-takers are not careful,
affect
Wrong verb form
affecting
show examples
 their physical health.
Furthermore
, it might contribute to fading in relationships with friends as they are reluctant to take
risks
, leading to becoming lonely. To specifically demonstrate,
one
 of my middle school friends loved playing with throwing knives and he always invited others to put apples on their heads;
consequently
, he would throw the knives at the apples.
Thus
, there is no
one
 who wants to be friends with him as it is too dangerous and harmful. All in all, taking
risks
 only provides citizens with disadvantages
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 both professional and personal aspects
such
 as being unemployed or a decrease
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 well-being.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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coherence cohesion
Strengthen your conclusion by summarizing the main points discussed in the body paragraphs to create a more balanced view.
task achievement
Refine the introduction to clearly indicate that you believe the disadvantages of taking risks outweigh the advantages.
coherence cohesion
Use varied sentence structures and transition words to further enhance the natural flow of the essay.
task achievement
The essay includes specific examples, like the colleague’s experience and middle school friend, to support the points discussed.
coherence cohesion
The main points are logically organized, making the essay easy to follow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the topic and the writer’s position on the issue.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • creativity
  • significant
  • groundbreaking
  • broaden perspectives
  • enhance skill sets
  • fosters
  • resilience
  • adaptability
  • setbacks
  • strategies
  • excessive
  • ill-considered
  • consequences
  • financial losses
  • reputation
  • measured approach
  • assessing risks
  • informed decisions
  • mitigate
  • calculated
  • proactive
  • reactive
  • stagnation
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