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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that entertainment such as film star pop musicians or sports star are paid to much money Do you agree or disagree? Which other type of jobs should be highly paid.?

#people #entertainment #film #star #pop #musicians #sports #money #type #jobs
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In
this
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 essay, I want to give my opinions about the people who work in the entertainment sector
such
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 as pop musicians, film actors or footballers who are paid a lot of money.
Moreover
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, I will determine which other types of jobs should be highly paid.
To begin
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 with,
this
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 is well-known information that musicians, footballers and film stars are gained very well.
However
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, everyone can ask whether these people work sufficiently to gain the most money highly? At first look, we can assume that; the job those persons do is, just singing or writing songs, memorizing sentences and doing sports.
However
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, the fact is, that they have a difficult background. They spent their entire time becoming professionals. We don't reject that some of them are naturally talented, but generally, they trained a lot so their accomplishments and fame didn't come without struggles and efforts.
On the other hand
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, those people are famous, they are loved by the masses. Naturally, fame comes with a reward.
In addition
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, some of the labours are should highly paid. Especially jobs which need specializations or hard and physical efforts have to get high salaries. The balance between the job and salary is important.
As a result
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, in my opinion, they are paid too much money, and that has 2 major reasons.
Firstly
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, they are famous and the fame comes with a reward,
secondly
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, they trained very hard to get
such
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 those.
However
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, for some jobs, the balance is not maintained between effort and salary.
Submitted by ilyascanaltan on

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task achievement
Try to further develop your main points with more specific examples and supporting details. This will help in providing a clearer and more comprehensive argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on transitioning smoothly between your ideas and paragraphs. This will help in improving the logical structure and overall flow of your essay.
language
Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and use a wider range of vocabulary to convey your ideas more precisely. This will improve clarity and readability.
task achievement
The introduction is clear and outlines both parts of the task, setting the stage for the discussion.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion summarizes the main points effectively and provides a clear stance on the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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