IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people say that too much attention and too many resources are given to protect wild animals and birds. To what extent do you agee or disagree?

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Nowadays, it is said that some types of wild animals and birds are kept safe by using excessive time and various kinds of resources namely money, information and natural materials. From my point of view, I totally disagree with
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon. It is obvious that there are various issues that require the investment of the government
due to
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 technological advances
such
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 as education and transportation. Concerning the former, societies should not only pay more attention to upgrading education facilities, but they
also
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 reduce fees for students having financial problems leading to a wide range of better opportunities for potential students in order to improve their countries.
Secondly
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, there is more and more traffic congestion around the world because of the large number of citizens;
hence
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, many countries should invest funds in developing road systems.
For example
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, in Vietnam, the government need to spend money on transportation in order to extend or flatten roads and reduce traffic jams simultaneously.
In addition
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, concentrating on protecting wild animals and birds does not offer an instant profit for humans. Societies may use many for charity to a significant decrease in poverty.
Additionally
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, some families having financial issues can come over more easily and conveniently in the present time. To cite an instance, many charity activities are organized in Vietnam to be of assistance to people to meet their demands effectively in the present time. In conclusion, the government should focus on several fundamental matters
such
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 as transportation and education
instead
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 of covering wild animals and birds today.

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introduction conclusion
You effectively introduce your stance in the introduction and conclude it well. However, refine your thesis statement to make your position even clearer.
logical structure
Enhance transitions between some ideas to make the essay flow more smoothly. Use linking phrases and cohesive devices more effectively.
supported main points
While your main points are clear, consider further developing your arguments with more specific examples or evidence to strengthen them.
complete response
Ensure that all aspects of the prompt are fully addressed – the discussion on over-allocation of resources to wildlife protection can be expanded with additional viewpoints or counterarguments.
clear comprehensive ideas
Clarify and elaborate on your points to ensure the ideas are communicated comprehensively. Some sentences could be simplified or rephrased for clarity.
introduction conclusion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps structure the response effectively.
supported main points
You present clear main points in each paragraph, contributing to a well-structured essay.
relevant specific examples
The essay provides relevant examples, such as the references to education issues and traffic congestion in Vietnam, making your arguments more concrete.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • ecological balance
  • biodiversity
  • genetic diversity
  • ecotourism
  • economic benefits
  • moral responsibility
  • species extinction
  • scientific research
  • resource allocation
  • healthcare
  • education
  • poverty alleviation
  • sustainability
  • environmental changes
  • ethical considerations
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