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Band 4.5

Many modern children spend a lot of time sitting in front of a television or computer screen. This is extremely harmful to their development. Therefore, parent shoul strictly limit the time that children spend in this way. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In today digital's age, more and more
children
Use synonyms
 stay in full-
time
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 sitting in front of the
screen
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 of modern technology
such
Linking Words
 as TV or computer.
This
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 thing
cause
Change the verb form
causes
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 serious damage to their growth. Critics argue that the solution to
solve
Verb problem
apply
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this
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problem
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 is managing the limited
time
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 for
children
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 by their
parents
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.
This
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 author agrees with the latter viewpoint that
parents
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 should take action on spending
screen
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time
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of
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
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 so as to contribute to preventing shortsighted
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 and the enhancement of their maturity. It is vital to understand that limiting the
time
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 on spending
screen
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time
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of
Change preposition
with
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children
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 can prevent them from
shortsighted
Add a missing verb
having shortsighted
show examples
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problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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.
This
Linking Words
 means if
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
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 control the
time
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children
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sitting
Wrong verb form
sit
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 in front of
Correct article usage
the sceen
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sceen
Correct your spelling
screen
screens
scene
, they will not get
sveral
Correct your spelling
several
 illnesses
about
Change preposition
in
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 their eyes including shortsighted.
For instance
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, more and more
children
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 have worn glasses since they were at least 6 years old
due to
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 the
affect
Replace the word
effect
show examples
 of a TV and computer
screen
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.
Thus
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,
parents
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 should be encouraged to manage the
time
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childrenon
Correct your spelling
children on
children
 the
screen
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 contributing to
handle
Change the verb form
handling
show examples
 them
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
 shortsighted
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problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
. Another key component of the case for limiting the
time
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 is improving their
gowth
Correct your spelling
growth
. It should be self-evidence that
this
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 includes not only preventing shortsighted
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problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 but
also
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 improving
children
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's development
such
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 as their brain and their physical health. In
this
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 situation,
children
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 will be
in
Change preposition
at
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 the peak of
condition
Correct pronoun usage
their condition
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 and develop in the most effective way.
Therefore
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, it is easy to understand why
parents
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 should manage the
time
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 for
children
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's
screen
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time
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 efficiently. In conclusion, paying attention to
children
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 spending their
time
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 on
screen
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 is extremely essential in their growth and staying away
in
Change preposition
from
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 shortsighted.
Therefore
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, it should
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
have been demonstrated that
parents
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 should be encouraged to control the
tim
Correct your spelling
time
 on the
screen
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time
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 of
children
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.

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grammar
Work on grammatical accuracy. There are several grammatical mistakes throughout the essay, such as "In today digital's age" which should be "In today's digital age" or "growth" instead of "condition."
clarity
The thesis statement needs to be clearer. For example, instead of saying "This author agrees with the latter viewpoint..." which makes it unclear whether the viewpoint supports or opposes, you could say "I agree with the viewpoint that parents should limit children's screen time."
examples
Support your main points with more specific and varied examples. The essay tends to repeat the same point about shortsightedness without going into other harms of excessive screen time.
organization
The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which helps in maintaining a logical flow.
effort
You have made a clear attempt to address the prompt and provide reasons for your opinions.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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