IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many modern children spend a lot of time sitting in front of a television or computer screen. This is extremely harmful to their development. Therefore, parent shoul strictly limit the time that children spend in this way. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #time #front #television #computer #screen #development #parent #shoul #limit
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In today digital's age, more and more
children
Use synonyms
 stay in full-
time
Use synonyms
 sitting in front of the
screen
Use synonyms
 of modern technology
such
Linking Words
 as TV or computer.
This
Linking Words
 thing
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
 serious damage to their growth. Critics argue that the solution to
solve
Verb problem
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
 is managing the limited
time
Use synonyms
 for
children
Use synonyms
 by their
parents
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 author agrees with the latter viewpoint that
parents
Use synonyms
 should take action on spending
screen
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 so as to contribute to preventing shortsighted
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 and the enhancement of their maturity. It is vital to understand that limiting the
time
Use synonyms
 on spending
screen
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 can prevent them from
shortsighted
Add a missing verb
having shortsighted
show examples
Use synonyms
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 means if
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 control the
time
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
sitting
Wrong verb form
sit
show examples
 in front of
Correct article usage
the sceen
show examples
sceen
Correct your spelling
screen
screens
scene
, they will not get
sveral
Correct your spelling
several
 illnesses
about
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their eyes including shortsighted.
For instance
Linking Words
, more and more
children
Use synonyms
 have worn glasses since they were at least 6 years old
due to
Linking Words
 the
affect
Replace the word
effect
show examples
 of a TV and computer
screen
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 should be encouraged to manage the
time
Use synonyms
childrenon
Correct your spelling
children on
children
 the
screen
Use synonyms
 contributing to
handle
Change the verb form
handling
show examples
 them
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
 shortsighted
Use synonyms
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
. Another key component of the case for limiting the
time
Use synonyms
 is improving their
gowth
Correct your spelling
growth
. It should be self-evidence that
this
Linking Words
 includes not only preventing shortsighted
Use synonyms
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 improving
children
Use synonyms
's development
such
Linking Words
 as their brain and their physical health. In
this
Linking Words
 situation,
children
Use synonyms
 will be
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the peak of
condition
Correct pronoun usage
their condition
show examples
 and develop in the most effective way.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is easy to understand why
parents
Use synonyms
 should manage the
time
Use synonyms
 for
children
Use synonyms
's
screen
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
 efficiently. In conclusion, paying attention to
children
Use synonyms
 spending their
time
Use synonyms
 on
screen
Use synonyms
 is extremely essential in their growth and staying away
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 shortsighted.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it should
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
have been demonstrated that
parents
Use synonyms
 should be encouraged to control the
tim
Correct your spelling
time
 on the
screen
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Work on grammatical accuracy. There are several grammatical mistakes throughout the essay, such as "In today digital's age" which should be "In today's digital age" or "growth" instead of "condition."
clarity
The thesis statement needs to be clearer. For example, instead of saying "This author agrees with the latter viewpoint..." which makes it unclear whether the viewpoint supports or opposes, you could say "I agree with the viewpoint that parents should limit children's screen time."
examples
Support your main points with more specific and varied examples. The essay tends to repeat the same point about shortsightedness without going into other harms of excessive screen time.
organization
The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which helps in maintaining a logical flow.
effort
You have made a clear attempt to address the prompt and provide reasons for your opinions.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: